To just know
I had one goal today - leave people alone. Whether it was a good or bad day, my issues would be mine to carry today. I feel I have asked too much of too many lately. Yes, struggling in the "of the same worth as others" category.
The anxiety and panic were lesser today yet the destructive thoughts were just as rampant, maybe even more. I am hauling a huge brick of guilt and shame around with me today. How could I have let myself emotionally get to where I have been these few weeks. As appreciative I have been of those who have let me share with and lean on them, I continue to struggle with feeling like I am being burdensome. I know I am not, I am continually told I am not, so why does it still feel so strongly that I am? I feel like the more I am struggling, the more I may be letting them down.
I continue to fight with myself over "not knowing" things. Mainly not being able to describe why I feel certain ways. I am afraid, yet I can't tell you why or I know I need help, yet can't tell or describe the help I need. I am sure the answers are really there, I am just not finding the right route to remember or realize them. Of course, since I feel that I am the one that needs to have the answer before I even go looking for help, that does not really fit into the paradigm of letting someone help me find the answer. Ugh, makes me want to go kick something.
I am still struggling with a lot of self anger. Again, a lot of the time I can't tell you why. I am frustrated with myself. I am better than what I have become. I have beaten fear and anxiety and destructive thoughts and desires to harm myself, so why is it so overwhelming this time? Why is it that something I have all but destroyed previously, have such a strong grip on me? How have I manged to let it wear me down to worthlessness? It has to be something I have done or allowed. I don't think anyone has a voodoo doll out there with my name on it orchestrating things.
I just don't understand. I had this. You know, I need to quit even thinking that I have "got it" as I find that I am continually saying, "I had this and now I don't". Maybe that is the problem. Do I get too cocky? Do I stand up one too many times and say "I've got this" only to get humbled? Do I become prideful or selfish and this is the consequence of my choice? One would think I would learn my lesson by now. How many times do I have to go through the cycle? It is so exhausting and it seems that each time it is more exhausting and therefore harder and harder to fight.
I had decided I was going to act on a really bad decision this week and yet I didn't go through with it. I would have, had something greater not stepped in. I can't even own the choice that I didn't do it. That's rough to accept that I was that secure in a decision to really hurt myself just to get the emotional pain to subside. That is a scary place to be. I just wanted the fear, anxiety, and panic cycle to stop. Breathing wasn't helping much, I couldn't get focused on one thing, I couldn't get my mind to quiet down. Even though I wanted to grab anyone I could, I didn't feel I had the right to ask someone, "Please make it stop" as I am pretty sold on the idea that it is being caused by something I have done (or not done right) and that is why I am in this spot emotionally. I can't ask someone else to fix my screw up, and that thought alone made me turn away help more than once that afternoon.
You would think I would not be so afraid. There is a feeling of peace and calmness that happens when I lean on a shoulder or allow someone to hold me up (literally or figuratively). The thought of "you are not alone" is comforting. I find it hard to allow myself to enjoy the positive feelings that are accompanying this recent healing journey. I am not used to having the secure experiences with no strings attached - heck, I am just not used to having the secure experiences. I would say that at some level I am afraid to not be afraid. Feeling "safe" is scary. Does that even make sense?
I feel like I am unraveling at the seams and the more I try to hold it together, the quicker I am falling apart. I'm quickly losing my ability to keep the "all is well" front going. Maybe it is more like I am losing my desire to keep it going. Seeing that my next few weeks are going to be non-stop, I have to get a grip on this. I am just having a difficult time figuring out how.
The anxiety and panic were lesser today yet the destructive thoughts were just as rampant, maybe even more. I am hauling a huge brick of guilt and shame around with me today. How could I have let myself emotionally get to where I have been these few weeks. As appreciative I have been of those who have let me share with and lean on them, I continue to struggle with feeling like I am being burdensome. I know I am not, I am continually told I am not, so why does it still feel so strongly that I am? I feel like the more I am struggling, the more I may be letting them down.
I continue to fight with myself over "not knowing" things. Mainly not being able to describe why I feel certain ways. I am afraid, yet I can't tell you why or I know I need help, yet can't tell or describe the help I need. I am sure the answers are really there, I am just not finding the right route to remember or realize them. Of course, since I feel that I am the one that needs to have the answer before I even go looking for help, that does not really fit into the paradigm of letting someone help me find the answer. Ugh, makes me want to go kick something.
I am still struggling with a lot of self anger. Again, a lot of the time I can't tell you why. I am frustrated with myself. I am better than what I have become. I have beaten fear and anxiety and destructive thoughts and desires to harm myself, so why is it so overwhelming this time? Why is it that something I have all but destroyed previously, have such a strong grip on me? How have I manged to let it wear me down to worthlessness? It has to be something I have done or allowed. I don't think anyone has a voodoo doll out there with my name on it orchestrating things.
I just don't understand. I had this. You know, I need to quit even thinking that I have "got it" as I find that I am continually saying, "I had this and now I don't". Maybe that is the problem. Do I get too cocky? Do I stand up one too many times and say "I've got this" only to get humbled? Do I become prideful or selfish and this is the consequence of my choice? One would think I would learn my lesson by now. How many times do I have to go through the cycle? It is so exhausting and it seems that each time it is more exhausting and therefore harder and harder to fight.
I had decided I was going to act on a really bad decision this week and yet I didn't go through with it. I would have, had something greater not stepped in. I can't even own the choice that I didn't do it. That's rough to accept that I was that secure in a decision to really hurt myself just to get the emotional pain to subside. That is a scary place to be. I just wanted the fear, anxiety, and panic cycle to stop. Breathing wasn't helping much, I couldn't get focused on one thing, I couldn't get my mind to quiet down. Even though I wanted to grab anyone I could, I didn't feel I had the right to ask someone, "Please make it stop" as I am pretty sold on the idea that it is being caused by something I have done (or not done right) and that is why I am in this spot emotionally. I can't ask someone else to fix my screw up, and that thought alone made me turn away help more than once that afternoon.
You would think I would not be so afraid. There is a feeling of peace and calmness that happens when I lean on a shoulder or allow someone to hold me up (literally or figuratively). The thought of "you are not alone" is comforting. I find it hard to allow myself to enjoy the positive feelings that are accompanying this recent healing journey. I am not used to having the secure experiences with no strings attached - heck, I am just not used to having the secure experiences. I would say that at some level I am afraid to not be afraid. Feeling "safe" is scary. Does that even make sense?
I feel like I am unraveling at the seams and the more I try to hold it together, the quicker I am falling apart. I'm quickly losing my ability to keep the "all is well" front going. Maybe it is more like I am losing my desire to keep it going. Seeing that my next few weeks are going to be non-stop, I have to get a grip on this. I am just having a difficult time figuring out how.