It will be ok
Wednesday night I spent 3-4 hours writing about the past. As I revisited memories, feelings, and emotions of a time that I have done my best to try and bury for over 20 years, I expected a bad night of sleep and a disorienting Thursday.
When I hit the final "save" and closed up the laptop, my first desire was to hit the pill bottles. I have done so well recently not going that route, yet I do have enough to knock me out cold and stop all thinking and dreaming. I chose not to. I chose to just trust that God would allow me a night of sleep that would not fall under disturbing. I have to work on turning to Him more than other things. Figured that this would be a good time to practice that.
I slept well. Some bad dreams, yet not nightmares. I woke up anxious, and I expected that. There was plenty of memories swirling about still and so I was not too shaken by the anxious feelings. They were relatively calm, not as much as I figured they would be. Maybe this was going to come out better than I thought. It is possible that the fact I was really tired could have helped. After a while my body lets up on the physical manifestation of my anxiety because my muscles get fatigued. although not the point I like to get to, it does make things a little better. When I was in the ER last, I remember by the time they released me, I was so tired. I was still anxious, yet I was exhausted. I remember telling the nurse I would be ok to drive - that I could drive tired and as tired as I was would keep the anxiety at bay at least long enough to get home.
Then there is today. It would seem the theory of "the day after the day after" expands beyond physical activity. I did not wake up well today. After a night of dreams of being stalked and chased and not being able to get to safety, I woke up scared, nauseated, and anxiety at a very high level. That thought of maybe not having to go through this disappeared quite quickly. I called into work, let Tess out, tossed down a few benedryl and a nerve pill, and went for unconsciousness. Seems the "payoff" I was expecting yesterday had just been delayed.
About 4 hours later, I got up, took Tess out again, took a few more benedryl (since they changed my Zoloft dosage, the stuff knocks me out now), and went back to bed. Ok, just for the record, the stuff helps my allergies which are really aggravated right now too, so a double reason. Anything I could do to stop the thoughts and feelings was my goal and sleep was my mode of choice. Maybe not the most ideal, yet it was my choice. Even drugged, I kept waking up shaking and spooked. I woke up about 5 to go into town and dinner with the boys for Jordan's birthday. I really did not want to get up and do that, yet I can't let my boys down. Now home, I just want to go back to bed, yet I am trying to face things a little bit. I keep telling myself that this is just momentary. It is just a piece of the puzzle that has be fit in. It will pass, it will not stay forever, just let it ride out some. As well, as we work through all of this, it may not be the last time I have these days and I can't sleep through them all.
There is good in this, I am not "freaking out", I am not physically hurting myself, I am dealing with it on my own and not bothering anybody. I call those positive things. I understand why it is happening, so no issues there other than it just reinforces my thoughts that I need to deal with it alone. I brought it on, I need to ride it out.
I look around and once again realize all the things that I have let get away from me. Dishes need done, laundry needs folded, computer work needs finished, and all I want to do is go back to bed. Tess is in the bedroom having a battle with my pillow. I hear her bark every once in a while. I gave her a bite of icing from the cupcakes, I may have put her on a sugar high. Seeing that she has slept as much as I have today, she is probably ready to run off some energy.
Although I have a list of things I would "like" to do this weekend, I feel that it will be a toss-up between what I really need to get done and trying to sleep the whole weekend away. I did that last weekend which is one reason there is more stuff piled up now. I feel I have been leaning on a lot of shoulders these past few weeks, so one big goal this weekend is to give everyone some breathing room.
And with that, the anxiety is making its round again. Would seem I have been up and around long enough to let my mind fall back into running at full speed. It will pass, I know it will. For now though, I think Tess and I will run up to the gas station so she can go for a ride (she really likes car rides), and then I will take a hot bath, then by that time it will be time to go to bed for the night.
I will be fine. This is just part of the healing. I just have to keep telling myself that. Sometimes you have to hurt in order to heal.
When I hit the final "save" and closed up the laptop, my first desire was to hit the pill bottles. I have done so well recently not going that route, yet I do have enough to knock me out cold and stop all thinking and dreaming. I chose not to. I chose to just trust that God would allow me a night of sleep that would not fall under disturbing. I have to work on turning to Him more than other things. Figured that this would be a good time to practice that.
I slept well. Some bad dreams, yet not nightmares. I woke up anxious, and I expected that. There was plenty of memories swirling about still and so I was not too shaken by the anxious feelings. They were relatively calm, not as much as I figured they would be. Maybe this was going to come out better than I thought. It is possible that the fact I was really tired could have helped. After a while my body lets up on the physical manifestation of my anxiety because my muscles get fatigued. although not the point I like to get to, it does make things a little better. When I was in the ER last, I remember by the time they released me, I was so tired. I was still anxious, yet I was exhausted. I remember telling the nurse I would be ok to drive - that I could drive tired and as tired as I was would keep the anxiety at bay at least long enough to get home.
Then there is today. It would seem the theory of "the day after the day after" expands beyond physical activity. I did not wake up well today. After a night of dreams of being stalked and chased and not being able to get to safety, I woke up scared, nauseated, and anxiety at a very high level. That thought of maybe not having to go through this disappeared quite quickly. I called into work, let Tess out, tossed down a few benedryl and a nerve pill, and went for unconsciousness. Seems the "payoff" I was expecting yesterday had just been delayed.
About 4 hours later, I got up, took Tess out again, took a few more benedryl (since they changed my Zoloft dosage, the stuff knocks me out now), and went back to bed. Ok, just for the record, the stuff helps my allergies which are really aggravated right now too, so a double reason. Anything I could do to stop the thoughts and feelings was my goal and sleep was my mode of choice. Maybe not the most ideal, yet it was my choice. Even drugged, I kept waking up shaking and spooked. I woke up about 5 to go into town and dinner with the boys for Jordan's birthday. I really did not want to get up and do that, yet I can't let my boys down. Now home, I just want to go back to bed, yet I am trying to face things a little bit. I keep telling myself that this is just momentary. It is just a piece of the puzzle that has be fit in. It will pass, it will not stay forever, just let it ride out some. As well, as we work through all of this, it may not be the last time I have these days and I can't sleep through them all.
There is good in this, I am not "freaking out", I am not physically hurting myself, I am dealing with it on my own and not bothering anybody. I call those positive things. I understand why it is happening, so no issues there other than it just reinforces my thoughts that I need to deal with it alone. I brought it on, I need to ride it out.
I look around and once again realize all the things that I have let get away from me. Dishes need done, laundry needs folded, computer work needs finished, and all I want to do is go back to bed. Tess is in the bedroom having a battle with my pillow. I hear her bark every once in a while. I gave her a bite of icing from the cupcakes, I may have put her on a sugar high. Seeing that she has slept as much as I have today, she is probably ready to run off some energy.
Although I have a list of things I would "like" to do this weekend, I feel that it will be a toss-up between what I really need to get done and trying to sleep the whole weekend away. I did that last weekend which is one reason there is more stuff piled up now. I feel I have been leaning on a lot of shoulders these past few weeks, so one big goal this weekend is to give everyone some breathing room.
And with that, the anxiety is making its round again. Would seem I have been up and around long enough to let my mind fall back into running at full speed. It will pass, I know it will. For now though, I think Tess and I will run up to the gas station so she can go for a ride (she really likes car rides), and then I will take a hot bath, then by that time it will be time to go to bed for the night.
I will be fine. This is just part of the healing. I just have to keep telling myself that. Sometimes you have to hurt in order to heal.