Mastery
I seem to, most times, be able to master the art of doing or convincing myself the opposite of something. For example, when I quit drinking, the desire to do so was still there very strong and I could convince myself that I really didn't want a drink. When I quit smoking, for the most part, I did the same (I still really crave a smoke from time to time). Even with the tangled mess in my eating issues, I somewhere taught myself that when I am hungry, I am not really hungry (and that has now come back to haunt me). These are just a few examples.
When I came to points in my life where I felt I had to shut down my emotions, I did the same. Hard to explain, yet it was kind of a "not allowed to feel that even though you want to feel that" kind of thing. Anger was in that group. I went through a long time where I was always angry. I hated the world. I would put on the happy front, yet inside I just was not at peace at all. For a myriad of reason, I was not pleased with life, myself, or much else. Seeing that I could not express my anger in a healthy way (it usually ended up with me hurting myself somehow) I had to teach myself to shut it down. In there at some point I convinced myself it was not safe to feel anger, and although it would come along without my permission, I had to throw up a brick wall really quick and stop it before it got too far. If it "breached the perimeter" then it was not good because instead of dealing with the anger or the issue that caused it, my reaction was to punish myself for feeling it. That would teach me, and if it didn't, then the next time I just punished myself a little harder. Through the many years of this I learned that feeling anger was unacceptable, it was not an allowable thing and if I did feel it, I was failing, I was not strong, I was not in control, I was bad.
With anger being so closely tied to other emotions (usually being the secondary emotion) I learned to do the same/similar with most of my emotions. For the most part, almost all my emotions. Emotions that needed some kind of "release" (for lack of a better word) like feeling frustrated, confused, or upset, were shut down and thrown in the bad category. Emotions such as sadness, grief, heartache, or general sorrow made the list too. Expressing emotions that "requested comfort" were big, huge no-no's in my mind. Essentially, I shut down emotionally as much as I could. I would allow myself to be happy, yet only to a certain point. Even positive emotions such as joy had to be curbed. If I didn't feel, I did not need to be comforted or tended to. If I could keep from feeling, I could keep from bothering anyone (yup, there it is). I spent more time punishing myself for feeling simply because I didn't know how to identify or express my feelings/emotions. I had concluded somewhere that you kept it all inside, you did not seek comfort, help, or direction from others. Life was exhausting, as so much energy went into keeping a whole spectrum of emotions and feelings compressed into a small, allowable space. No one ever told me what I was doing was not healthy, yet no one really knew. I was the person who was always smiling and never got mad - at least that is what people saw. It became "easier" as time went on because I just quit feeling. I stopped living and experiencing and I just existed - it was just how it had to be.
Here is what I know now - the effects of all this has been devastating.
Learning these past years that all emotions and feelings (whether you can identify them or not) are valid, you can see where there has become a huge conflict. When I started class, I decided to do my best to stop putting walls up against the emotions - try to make friends with them and learn how to identify and feel them. I have made great strides in this with a lot of my emotions. I may still get a bit weary with some, yet I allow many of them to pass through. I think I have done pretty good with it.
Then there are the big emotions like anger and sorrow. I still shy away from anger because I feel like once I allow myself to go there, it is not so much from keeping myself from putting up walls, it is allowing the ones that have been built to come down. I don't know if I am ready for what is behind them. I still don't handle anger the best with those walls still in place, what will happen when the bricks start coming down? I don't even think I know how to start tearing those walls down. Anger scares me, I don't trust myself there.
Sorrow. You know, here is the thing, I deeply, deeply would give anything to cry. I know, to hear me say that is shocking. I started to shut down sorrow, grief, heartache, and other "a good cry would help" emotions when I was a teen. Now, doesn't mean I haven't felt these emotions, I just have spent years bottling them up and not expressing them in healthy ways. I. don't. cry. Ok, to be fair, I get teary-eyed when I watch Fried Green Tomatoes and Ruth dies, or Steel Magnolias. Yet, this is "ok" because that is from a movie (see, irrational rationalizing). So one might suggest watch a good chick-flick, cry and feel better, yet this doesn't work. Once I realize I am crying for personal things, I shut it down. Nope, not allowed. If I cry, I am weak (yes, I know, huge myth), and if I am weak, I am not in control, and if I am not in control, I am vulnerable. I fought it with all I had. If it got away from me (sometimes it just hit so hard, I couldn't catch it when it started, like when Ali died) I stopped it by punishing myself. That would teach me. No crying allowed.
Why talk about this? Simple, I have taught myself so wonderfully how not to express emotion that, as I start to give myself permission to do so, I feel like I am being ripped apart from the inside out. I get in this internal battle of "allowing myself good or comforting things" that I get frustrated with myself which then bring in grief and sorrow that I am having this kind of battle to start with, which kicks in the anger for allowing myself to try and feel in the first place and then let myself get frustrated. This just compounds the anxiety that already is in existence from other things. I am not sure how to explain what it feels like other than "pressure" around me. It is almost like I am being constrained tightly and it just keeps getting tighter and tighter and in my mind, among everything else is that screaming thought, "make it stop."
I try to choose good things to combat it. I try to distract it in hopes it will go away or lessen. Last Thursday I tried to walk it out after session. What I ended up with was with each step it built more and more. I walked faster, I stepped harder, it kept building. I wanted to collapse and cry, just let all the pain and frustration out, yet I do not remember how to cry (although my body seems to do pretty good on this collapse thing lately). As it builds and builds, I feel like I am just going to explode, then I "do something about it" and Thursday that was punching the brick pillars. I stood in front of it, walked away from it, walked back up to it. I did this several times. I drew back, yet then I walked on. Thing is, there are 4 of them in a row. Lap one was successful in not doing it and I was proud of myself for the restraint, yet by the time I came back around all I had was "you know this wrong, yet it worked in the past."
Again, I walked up and back, up and back, up and back, then I plowed the pillar....once, twice, three times. I laid my head against it, standing there for a moment, took a breath and kept walking. I would take a couple shots at the next two pillars as well. I would come around and pass them again. Now I had disappointment added into the mix and so I just took a few more shots as I went by. Of course, each shot accompanied by self-destructive thoughts. I got down past the pillars and sat on the rocks as physically, I was not feeling too good. I just sat and thought to myself, why can't I cry? Why can't I curl up right here and just break down?
When I got to the point I felt I could get back to my car, I walked back the short way - thus passing the pillars once last time. Seeing that I hadn't managed to fully snap out of the constraining emotions, I took a few more shots. Now it was all about punishment. If I couldn't control it, I was going to pay for it (after the first punch, I had pretty much lost my rational thinking ability). The sad part, it didn't help like it has in the past. This time, it didn't make it better, even for a short time.
What it did do is set off a domino effect. I have been fighting my emotions non-stop for 4 days now. It is has been up and down with the anxiety, fear, uncertainty, desires to hurt myself. Although I keep trying to move forward and not quit, I am beyond tired - emotionally and physically. While sitting on the floor fixing the dog gate, a wave of anxiety hit me out of nowhere. There I was, curled up on the floor, shaking, and begging God, "please make it stop!"
I have spent a majority of the 3-day weekend sleeping. I feel like it's all I got right now. That comes with its own slope as I start teetering with the depression when I start sleeping like that and yet, it is keeping me safe. What have I been doing for myself? I've tried to stay safe. I've tried not to hurt myself even though the desire to do so has been so strong. I have kept my hands off the pill bottles. I have played with my sand. I have pet my dog. I've taken a lot of hot showers. I've tried to take advantage of the "quiet" moments by sitting outside or being around people. These moments have not been as plenty as I wish. I have picked up the phone and texted with friends when the desires to hurt myself get strong over letting the "you must suffer alone" thoughts win. They have no clue of how bad it is. They know something is wrong, yet not the degree. This is why I choose texting over calling, they would hear the truth in my voice.
Again, oh what I would do to cry. What I would do to feel some relief. I'm even beyond the whole "what if someone sees me" issue. All I know is that I am not choosing the most wisely right now in how I am dealing with things. I am weak and tired and cannot seem to get the upper hand and yet, no tears. No one can say that I don't have the ability to master things. Unfortunately, what I have mastered is destroying me.
When I came to points in my life where I felt I had to shut down my emotions, I did the same. Hard to explain, yet it was kind of a "not allowed to feel that even though you want to feel that" kind of thing. Anger was in that group. I went through a long time where I was always angry. I hated the world. I would put on the happy front, yet inside I just was not at peace at all. For a myriad of reason, I was not pleased with life, myself, or much else. Seeing that I could not express my anger in a healthy way (it usually ended up with me hurting myself somehow) I had to teach myself to shut it down. In there at some point I convinced myself it was not safe to feel anger, and although it would come along without my permission, I had to throw up a brick wall really quick and stop it before it got too far. If it "breached the perimeter" then it was not good because instead of dealing with the anger or the issue that caused it, my reaction was to punish myself for feeling it. That would teach me, and if it didn't, then the next time I just punished myself a little harder. Through the many years of this I learned that feeling anger was unacceptable, it was not an allowable thing and if I did feel it, I was failing, I was not strong, I was not in control, I was bad.
With anger being so closely tied to other emotions (usually being the secondary emotion) I learned to do the same/similar with most of my emotions. For the most part, almost all my emotions. Emotions that needed some kind of "release" (for lack of a better word) like feeling frustrated, confused, or upset, were shut down and thrown in the bad category. Emotions such as sadness, grief, heartache, or general sorrow made the list too. Expressing emotions that "requested comfort" were big, huge no-no's in my mind. Essentially, I shut down emotionally as much as I could. I would allow myself to be happy, yet only to a certain point. Even positive emotions such as joy had to be curbed. If I didn't feel, I did not need to be comforted or tended to. If I could keep from feeling, I could keep from bothering anyone (yup, there it is). I spent more time punishing myself for feeling simply because I didn't know how to identify or express my feelings/emotions. I had concluded somewhere that you kept it all inside, you did not seek comfort, help, or direction from others. Life was exhausting, as so much energy went into keeping a whole spectrum of emotions and feelings compressed into a small, allowable space. No one ever told me what I was doing was not healthy, yet no one really knew. I was the person who was always smiling and never got mad - at least that is what people saw. It became "easier" as time went on because I just quit feeling. I stopped living and experiencing and I just existed - it was just how it had to be.
Here is what I know now - the effects of all this has been devastating.
Learning these past years that all emotions and feelings (whether you can identify them or not) are valid, you can see where there has become a huge conflict. When I started class, I decided to do my best to stop putting walls up against the emotions - try to make friends with them and learn how to identify and feel them. I have made great strides in this with a lot of my emotions. I may still get a bit weary with some, yet I allow many of them to pass through. I think I have done pretty good with it.
Then there are the big emotions like anger and sorrow. I still shy away from anger because I feel like once I allow myself to go there, it is not so much from keeping myself from putting up walls, it is allowing the ones that have been built to come down. I don't know if I am ready for what is behind them. I still don't handle anger the best with those walls still in place, what will happen when the bricks start coming down? I don't even think I know how to start tearing those walls down. Anger scares me, I don't trust myself there.
Sorrow. You know, here is the thing, I deeply, deeply would give anything to cry. I know, to hear me say that is shocking. I started to shut down sorrow, grief, heartache, and other "a good cry would help" emotions when I was a teen. Now, doesn't mean I haven't felt these emotions, I just have spent years bottling them up and not expressing them in healthy ways. I. don't. cry. Ok, to be fair, I get teary-eyed when I watch Fried Green Tomatoes and Ruth dies, or Steel Magnolias. Yet, this is "ok" because that is from a movie (see, irrational rationalizing). So one might suggest watch a good chick-flick, cry and feel better, yet this doesn't work. Once I realize I am crying for personal things, I shut it down. Nope, not allowed. If I cry, I am weak (yes, I know, huge myth), and if I am weak, I am not in control, and if I am not in control, I am vulnerable. I fought it with all I had. If it got away from me (sometimes it just hit so hard, I couldn't catch it when it started, like when Ali died) I stopped it by punishing myself. That would teach me. No crying allowed.
Why talk about this? Simple, I have taught myself so wonderfully how not to express emotion that, as I start to give myself permission to do so, I feel like I am being ripped apart from the inside out. I get in this internal battle of "allowing myself good or comforting things" that I get frustrated with myself which then bring in grief and sorrow that I am having this kind of battle to start with, which kicks in the anger for allowing myself to try and feel in the first place and then let myself get frustrated. This just compounds the anxiety that already is in existence from other things. I am not sure how to explain what it feels like other than "pressure" around me. It is almost like I am being constrained tightly and it just keeps getting tighter and tighter and in my mind, among everything else is that screaming thought, "make it stop."
I try to choose good things to combat it. I try to distract it in hopes it will go away or lessen. Last Thursday I tried to walk it out after session. What I ended up with was with each step it built more and more. I walked faster, I stepped harder, it kept building. I wanted to collapse and cry, just let all the pain and frustration out, yet I do not remember how to cry (although my body seems to do pretty good on this collapse thing lately). As it builds and builds, I feel like I am just going to explode, then I "do something about it" and Thursday that was punching the brick pillars. I stood in front of it, walked away from it, walked back up to it. I did this several times. I drew back, yet then I walked on. Thing is, there are 4 of them in a row. Lap one was successful in not doing it and I was proud of myself for the restraint, yet by the time I came back around all I had was "you know this wrong, yet it worked in the past."
Again, I walked up and back, up and back, up and back, then I plowed the pillar....once, twice, three times. I laid my head against it, standing there for a moment, took a breath and kept walking. I would take a couple shots at the next two pillars as well. I would come around and pass them again. Now I had disappointment added into the mix and so I just took a few more shots as I went by. Of course, each shot accompanied by self-destructive thoughts. I got down past the pillars and sat on the rocks as physically, I was not feeling too good. I just sat and thought to myself, why can't I cry? Why can't I curl up right here and just break down?
When I got to the point I felt I could get back to my car, I walked back the short way - thus passing the pillars once last time. Seeing that I hadn't managed to fully snap out of the constraining emotions, I took a few more shots. Now it was all about punishment. If I couldn't control it, I was going to pay for it (after the first punch, I had pretty much lost my rational thinking ability). The sad part, it didn't help like it has in the past. This time, it didn't make it better, even for a short time.
What it did do is set off a domino effect. I have been fighting my emotions non-stop for 4 days now. It is has been up and down with the anxiety, fear, uncertainty, desires to hurt myself. Although I keep trying to move forward and not quit, I am beyond tired - emotionally and physically. While sitting on the floor fixing the dog gate, a wave of anxiety hit me out of nowhere. There I was, curled up on the floor, shaking, and begging God, "please make it stop!"
I have spent a majority of the 3-day weekend sleeping. I feel like it's all I got right now. That comes with its own slope as I start teetering with the depression when I start sleeping like that and yet, it is keeping me safe. What have I been doing for myself? I've tried to stay safe. I've tried not to hurt myself even though the desire to do so has been so strong. I have kept my hands off the pill bottles. I have played with my sand. I have pet my dog. I've taken a lot of hot showers. I've tried to take advantage of the "quiet" moments by sitting outside or being around people. These moments have not been as plenty as I wish. I have picked up the phone and texted with friends when the desires to hurt myself get strong over letting the "you must suffer alone" thoughts win. They have no clue of how bad it is. They know something is wrong, yet not the degree. This is why I choose texting over calling, they would hear the truth in my voice.
Again, oh what I would do to cry. What I would do to feel some relief. I'm even beyond the whole "what if someone sees me" issue. All I know is that I am not choosing the most wisely right now in how I am dealing with things. I am weak and tired and cannot seem to get the upper hand and yet, no tears. No one can say that I don't have the ability to master things. Unfortunately, what I have mastered is destroying me.