The yougest ones
One of the first exercises in what I have come to call the "purple book" was something like this: imagine a place that was safe and happy. While there, imagine your inner child coming and talking to you and spend some time there together. With your non-dominant hand, draw what you saw.
My first attempt at this and I did well. One of the big keys is not being judgmental (oh, that is ugly, I can't do good, etc.) and just letting what comes, come.
It was interesting because while I was reading through this and doing the imagining, Tess was being a big goof. She was running back and forth, barking at nothing, rooting her nose in the middle of the floor, and all. I kept having these feelings of "giddiness" and it was almost as if I could hear a child's laughter. Some of the thoughts/feelings that came to mind included "silly dog" and "she's funny."
In the dialoging, the "little one" (as she would become known as) told me her name was Alijandra and she was three and that she liked to laugh. It made sense. When I was younger I would tell people my name was different things. Sometimes it was the names of my imaginary friends, sometimes of pets (like Ali here). The fact she gave me Big Al's name was not surprising. She would give various names in future dialogs. She always had pigtails and wore a blue jumper dress with a sash. Many times she carried a stuffed animal with her.
Although 3 in this exchange, she has come to represent my life between 3-8. I have determined that the "little one" is who was around when mom and dad were married. This is the one who was adopted and was still allowed to be a kid. Her new dad loved her, and her new grandparents doted over "their first granddaughter" and she was happy. She would also soon realize that fighting and contention were just the normal, even as much as it upset her, it was just how it was. She would escape by using her imagination, playing in her own world with those who were safe and friendly. She would spend a lot of overnights at her new grandparents house through the years, playing out in the woodworking shed with her grandpa and making cookies with grandma.
I would learn to recognize her presence through laughing and smiling. She finds joy in the small and simple things. The stars as night are kisses from heaven, and flowers are magical. She sees beauty and life in all things and just wants to feel safe in that innocent happiness. Although aware of the ugly side of life, she has not been overly scarred by it yet. When one says something like, "to be innocent again," this is where it is.
One night while finding it hard to get to sleep, I felt the urge to go get my old Teddy Bear off the shelf in the living room. I did so and as I curled up with it, it was a safe and comforting feeling. I have a "snuggle pillow" anyways, yet it seemed the little one wanted the Teddy Bear and I was happy to be able to provide that. Now, this bear, which had been my brothers when he was a baby, has a music box in it that I had never heard as the key had become unscrewed from the box. My brother did not even know what it played. One session with Chris, we did some "surgery" on the bear and fixed it back up. Not sure how I was going to react, we wound up the bear and let it sing for the first time in 40-ish years.
As it played Brahms Lullaby, I had this rush of happiness, like a pure light that hits you. I didn't have many words, just smiles. Chris let me crawl up next to her and hold my bear, listening to it play over and over. If there are "healing moments" in all of this work, this was one and it was as if the little one and I had finally made peace with each other.
There was a session a bit back where I was feeling sad and worry-some. I sat in the chair holding one of the throw pillows tight. My attention kept moving toward the stuffed bear in the corner, and how I really wanted to just go pick it up and hold it. I didn't ask (although I know it would have been ok). When I am in that place emotionally, I fear asking for things I want or need. Even though I know it is safe, I still fear a reaction of negativity. Later that day in my office I did some drawing to try and calm down and focus. What I have learned is that the kids are working to look after me as much as I am trying to them.
She has not appeared as much through drawing or dialoging since the day we fixed the bear, yet I know she is there. Every time I smile or laugh, she is there. When I see things for the beauty they are, she is there. When I allow myself to just feel and enjoy, she is there. She really loves feeding the fish.....and that is amazingly ok.
There is one younger than my "little one" who really has no name and has not shown up in drawings. She actually was the first to make an appearance in my thoughts and feelings though when I started working with all of this. She's young, just a toddler. She doesn't speak, yet her feelings and emotions are very palatable. Sadly, the majority of time, her emotions are fear and feeling unsafe.
She is loving and caring, generally with something in her hand (which has probably been in her mouth too) that she is more than willing to share. She is looking for happy and safe yet is very confused between the feedback she gets while searching. She showed up while looking through photos one day. I was like, "her, how can you hurt her?" and then showed up in some dialoging while I waiting for my session.
In that session, we would start to talk about it and how I might interact with her. I talked how she might sit up on my lap, offer me her toy in her hand, and smile. As we continued I shared how she was scared to which it was shared that it was ok to be scared, yet she was safe here. When Chris had me ask her what she was afraid of, I could not get the words out, I had a huge wave of fear hit me. It was powerful and I did not feel safe at all. The anxiety took over from there as the littlest one went back into hiding, Chris spent a bit of time getting me calmed back down.
She has only returned one other time. While in bed a while back, I had the Teddy Bear playing. It was like I could feel her presence, almost as if she were peeking around a corner quietly to see what was going on. It is my guess that she wanted to see the bear that was playing music. I didn't say anything to her in fear of scaring her off. She did not stay long, yet I know she was there. I often think that as I worked to make peace with the little one, the littlest one would heal as well, or at least feel safer to come out. Time will tell.
It was interesting because while I was reading through this and doing the imagining, Tess was being a big goof. She was running back and forth, barking at nothing, rooting her nose in the middle of the floor, and all. I kept having these feelings of "giddiness" and it was almost as if I could hear a child's laughter. Some of the thoughts/feelings that came to mind included "silly dog" and "she's funny."
In the dialoging, the "little one" (as she would become known as) told me her name was Alijandra and she was three and that she liked to laugh. It made sense. When I was younger I would tell people my name was different things. Sometimes it was the names of my imaginary friends, sometimes of pets (like Ali here). The fact she gave me Big Al's name was not surprising. She would give various names in future dialogs. She always had pigtails and wore a blue jumper dress with a sash. Many times she carried a stuffed animal with her.
Although 3 in this exchange, she has come to represent my life between 3-8. I have determined that the "little one" is who was around when mom and dad were married. This is the one who was adopted and was still allowed to be a kid. Her new dad loved her, and her new grandparents doted over "their first granddaughter" and she was happy. She would also soon realize that fighting and contention were just the normal, even as much as it upset her, it was just how it was. She would escape by using her imagination, playing in her own world with those who were safe and friendly. She would spend a lot of overnights at her new grandparents house through the years, playing out in the woodworking shed with her grandpa and making cookies with grandma. I would learn to recognize her presence through laughing and smiling. She finds joy in the small and simple things. The stars as night are kisses from heaven, and flowers are magical. She sees beauty and life in all things and just wants to feel safe in that innocent happiness. Although aware of the ugly side of life, she has not been overly scarred by it yet. When one says something like, "to be innocent again," this is where it is.One night while finding it hard to get to sleep, I felt the urge to go get my old Teddy Bear off the shelf in the living room. I did so and as I curled up with it, it was a safe and comforting feeling. I have a "snuggle pillow" anyways, yet it seemed the little one wanted the Teddy Bear and I was happy to be able to provide that. Now, this bear, which had been my brothers when he was a baby, has a music box in it that I had never heard as the key had become unscrewed from the box. My brother did not even know what it played. One session with Chris, we did some "surgery" on the bear and fixed it back up. Not sure how I was going to react, we wound up the bear and let it sing for the first time in 40-ish years.
As it played Brahms Lullaby, I had this rush of happiness, like a pure light that hits you. I didn't have many words, just smiles. Chris let me crawl up next to her and hold my bear, listening to it play over and over. If there are "healing moments" in all of this work, this was one and it was as if the little one and I had finally made peace with each other.
She has not appeared as much through drawing or dialoging since the day we fixed the bear, yet I know she is there. Every time I smile or laugh, she is there. When I see things for the beauty they are, she is there. When I allow myself to just feel and enjoy, she is there. She really loves feeding the fish.....and that is amazingly ok.
She is loving and caring, generally with something in her hand (which has probably been in her mouth too) that she is more than willing to share. She is looking for happy and safe yet is very confused between the feedback she gets while searching. She showed up while looking through photos one day. I was like, "her, how can you hurt her?" and then showed up in some dialoging while I waiting for my session.
She has only returned one other time. While in bed a while back, I had the Teddy Bear playing. It was like I could feel her presence, almost as if she were peeking around a corner quietly to see what was going on. It is my guess that she wanted to see the bear that was playing music. I didn't say anything to her in fear of scaring her off. She did not stay long, yet I know she was there. I often think that as I worked to make peace with the little one, the littlest one would heal as well, or at least feel safer to come out. Time will tell.