Deep Breath and Prayer

I was never allowed to have play-doh when growing up - at least not at home. I was, however, allowed to have it at my Grandma Blew's house. I would sit at the kitchen table for hours playing with it, making shapes, houses, fish, and whatever things came into my mind. Far from an artist, what I saw it representing and what it looked like in reality were generally two very different things. Sometimes, when Grandma made pies, instead of the play-doh, I got the leftover scraps of dough to roll, shape, and create. The best part of that....it was edible! A few weeks back, my therapist introduced me to what I have come to accept as the coolest thing since silly putty....kinetic sand. There are number of reasons I place this at the top of the list, yet the easiest way to explain it is simply...it is just flipping cool to play with!!!! Oh yah, then that whole relaxing, distracting, and stuff like that. My pile of sand at home gets a workout almost daily. It is kind of making up for all thos...

I am still good. I am still a good person. It is what I keep telling myself. It seems like my life has become this having to be completely aware of every moment, every choice, every breath, every feeling, every action. There are moments it gets pretty overwhelming. This week I met with the therapist who has a focus in eating issues. You can now add binge eating disorder and anorexia to my "things that will make your mama proud" list. Yup, feel the love. I dropped an email to the rest of my team to let them know how it went and what was said, and then I have just tried to let it sink and make some sense of it. It really hit me yesterday, the reality of it, the danger of it. I went by the store late yesterday afternoon, which is never one of my favorite activities. I just walked up and down the isles telling myself, "you have to eat, just get something you will eat." I walked out with stuff to make beef stew in the crock pot, eggs, bread, milk, pudding mix, and a box ...

Dear God, It's me, yah the one that keeps ducking away from you. Although I understand that you are the Grand Master when it comes to hide and seek, I am going to entertain the idea that I really can hide from you. Humor me. My teammate told me today that you really do want to hear from me, no matter if I am doing good or bad. Since she seems to have a very, very strong relationship with you (and because I know deep down she is right), I am going to give it a shot. As you know, at times I don't speak very well and I lose focus easy. I sometimes lose my words. I hope you are good with me writing, it is a nice place to meet in the middle and avoid a lot of the fear and anxiety. I often wonder what you think of me. Am I meeting your expectations? Am I making you proud? Am I disappointing the heck out of you? Am I doing the things you need me to do? I guess you get these questions from a lot of people. If you can point me in the direction of the "take a number" display, I...

Each morning I wake up, scoot to the end of my bed, sit there for a moment, and decide if I really am up for the challenge of facing the day. I also have the same thought, "are you going to talk to me today ?" It's my message from God. For a moment my heart excites, then apprehension hits. What have I done well recently that God would want to hear from me? Does He really want to hear once again that I am struggling with the same things, that I am afraid of the same things, that I am asking for help with the same things? I want Him to be proud of me, not disappointed. I exhale and bow my head with shame. I stand up as I let Him know, "Tomorrow, God, maybe tomorrow." He won't wait until tomorrow, as I crawl back into bed tonight He will ask, "are you going to talk to me tonight ?" I will quickly go through my mind like a flip book, events, decisions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, and my choices from the day. I crawl under the blankets, grab my pillo...

Even among all the craziness, I do manage to keep learning. When I got out of the hospital back in 2000, I started to try and listen and learn from my body. I had to recognize warning signs for anxiety and depression. I had to be aware of stress and exhaustion and the limits it put on me. Sometimes this has paid off, other times it has become a lost cause, yet it is always a good practice. Although I have learned this past year that many times there is no "why" to things, I still want to know. Sure, you just have to take a deep breath and figure out how to move forward, yet I often have a hard time letting go of that desire to know why something is. I want to understand. As I have said before, I like to know how things work, how they are connected, how they affect one another. I want to know what is happening and why. Knowing why to one thing can often help solve the mystery of another. In the peaceful downtime last night I jumped on the chance to try and think through some t...

I am 12 years older than my sister. I remember I would come home from school and she would be sleeping soundly. I so wanted to wake her up and play and yet was always told to let her sleep or she would be cranky. I was 12, that was my new baby sister, how well do you think I listened? It did not take too many times for me to learn, when the baby is sleeping....let her sleep. Earlier this evening something happened. I am almost hesitant to even speak about it as I am afraid I might jinx things and "wake the baby" from her nap. In the midst of all these recent emotional events, I finally felt some peace. It wasn't was of those lightening bolt moments, rather I was just sitting there and suddenly realized the darkness (yes, this is my new term for it) was gone. After a momentary "well, hey, would you look at that" thought, I noticed that there was a sense that everything was going to be ok. I was ok, I was going to be ok, it was ok. It wasn't my "whatever...

I have written about the negative and cruel thoughts that can come through my mind at times. I have written about how I desire to hurt myself for reasons including quieting the emotional rush that has gone into overdrive. I have written about the desires that come about when there is distress, almost a cause and effect relationship. Sometimes the thoughts come when things are calm and I am quiet. Why would I go writing about all this again? About five minutes ago I looked over and out the front door. With the nice evening, both the door and screen door are open to let in the breeze. I can sit here on my couch, look right out on my porch and see my yard that really needs mowed. I can see my flag moving in the breeze. I notice that my keys are still in the lock - I do that a lot. Sometimes I even forget and shut and lock the door at night and the keys are still in it. I just sat here looking at it all. Then the thought shows up, "you could die tonight." It is a thought that ran...