Deep Breath and Prayer

Allow that other "creative" side of me to help in explaining things at the moment. I put that in quotes as I am not sure if I really am creative or just a little insane. Right now I feel... and my heart is beating and pounding and I can actually see my shirt moving with each beat. It doesn't feel the greatest and kind of makes it hard to breathe. I practice my breathing to help keep me calm....breathe in deep....hold....breathe out......repeat. Use that diaphragm!  I try to remember my skills.....find my blue donkey....yet I am having trouble locating him. So I figure i will just distract myself by telling a story....yes, a story would be good to shift my mind.... and at this moment, my therapist is reading this and suddenly went...."what???" Yet, it is ok, as she knows as long as I am not making much sense, that I am really ok. It's a coping skill....kind of.... The good thing is that my heart is beating normal, my mind is quieted, and now people will conti...

Seems more is coming out in pictures than in words lately. There is a part where I just have not had the words - whether it is because they just have not been there or they have disappeared. I have recently realized that there are times I don't want to find the words, avoidance at its best. Sometimes it is scary to have the words, to say them, to feel them, to see them. So at the end of session on Friday, I made not that I was sad, yet I couldn't explain it. That one wasn't avoidance, I really didn't have the words and seeing it was the end of session, I wasn't at a place to go looking for them either. I was asked if I could draw it and later in the day would do that. Even though I did my best to put it on paper in picture, something in my mind was looking for the words and found something - words, feelings, emotions...something. It's interesting that when I try to define "sad" it always includes "loss" and many times, that loss is Ali. Not t...

It's about 8:00. I have been out of bed today a total of about 6 hours. Yet in there I did manage to take a shower and go to the store. So, although I didn't go to the farm (no one was there anyways), I did get out. Tess even went with me and was very happy to finish off some french fries that were left in the car. I am not sure what label I would put on the day. I'm functioning and I'm not trying to hurt myself, so that has to be on the positive side, yes? 35 woke me up via chat this morning to see how I was doing. We probably had one of the longer chats than we have had in a while. We've touched base off and on throughout the day. She did her best to keep me from going back to bed this afternoon after being up only about 2 hours, yet it didn't work. I actually think I slept better this afternoon than I did last night. I really did not want to get up at all for the rest of the day, about 4 or so I made myself get up and get cleaned up. My sister called me earli...

I'm really tired - emotionally and physically - which means the last thing I need to be doing is writing. The day went well for the most part. I made it through my meeting and I got a good portion of a project done by doing small parts at a time. I didn't get away from my desk much because I am hurting and yet I did walk to and from Huff for our meeting. I took it slow and I did it. The being in the sun was much needed. I started struggling in the later afternoon.  Maybe I should have come home early. I hung on though. And with the help of 35, I made it home safely. I get to a point at times where I just get so tired. It is like trying to get and stay healthy and all of that exhausts me. I shift from this optimistic, I am going to keep getting stronger, to just accepting that this is my life and this is how it is and this is how it is going to be from now on. Whereas the presiding emotion most of the day has been sadness, I am getting angry with myself. I am getting frustrated ...

So my brother has been after me for a while now to do something with my hair. Ok, so it has been purple for several months now and it has grown out and I agree, it needed something done with it, I just had not made up my mind what to do yet. After hearing about it one more time last night, I decided it was at least all going back to one color. Ergo.....Walgreen's visit for boxed hair color. My mom highlighted my hair many times over the years and I survived, yet I had never done it myself. I wasn't sure if I would burn my hair up, still have purple streaks would look more like lavender (which would have been fine), or what. Yet, hey, adventures happen and aside from everything else, I could use the "do something for yourself" activity. I love my best friend. Even though we are hours away from each other, we still manage to do things together. Our favorite movie is Grease 2 - yes, I can admit that in public with full pride. We recite lines and sing songs all the time. ...

I don't really have an answer to how I am doing. I guess I am better in the sense that I am not wishing death and pestilence upon myself, and still, I am not running down the hall doing a happy dance (although I was in the hall earlier blowing bubbles.) As I was driving to work this morning I could feel the emotional tug. I eventually said, "Fine! You want to fight? Let's fight!" For the record, this was not one of my smartest moves. It's been a confusing road lately. Emotions and feeling all over the place. I try to talk about it and I feel like a fool because I can't get my thoughts to make sense to me, let alone figure out how to express it to others. I try to explain it the best I can, though I am sure it does not translate the right way. I think I am going to be eternally frustrated with that. I got to session early yesterday and sat in the lobby drawing. When I can't work with words, I am still lucky enough to get a part of it out on paper, thank you...

In this past year I have had many "I didn't think I would find myself here again" moments. It has been scary and yet there is some joy in pulling through to the other side....even if it has taken multiple times to get there. I find myself in that spot again....one of those places I didn't want to see again. I was doing so well today, I even started thinking I was pulling ahead again. When things were feeling really off, I used to pace around. I wouldnt pace back and forth in one spot, I would cover a lot of territory. In one room, out the other, back and forth, no rhyme or reason, just aimlessly walking around and about. I know, it doesn't sound like much, and it wouldn't be if that was all there was. I'm not thinking right when I am in that place. I'm holding my head, talking to myself, running my fingers through my hair so hard I am nearly leaving marks on my scalp. Actually in the past, there were times when I would end up scratching my scalp until ...