Sometimes I don't understand

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In this past year I have had many "I didn't think I would find myself here again" moments. It has been scary and yet there is some joy in pulling through to the other side....even if it has taken multiple times to get there.

I find myself in that spot again....one of those places I didn't want to see again. I was doing so well today, I even started thinking I was pulling ahead again.

When things were feeling really off, I used to pace around. I wouldnt pace back and forth in one spot, I would cover a lot of territory. In one room, out the other, back and forth, no rhyme or reason, just aimlessly walking around and about.

I know, it doesn't sound like much, and it wouldn't be if that was all there was. I'm not thinking right when I am in that place. I'm holding my head, talking to myself, running my fingers through my hair so hard I am nearly leaving marks on my scalp. Actually in the past, there were times when I would end up scratching my scalp until it bled.

The lines of "reality" (for lack of a better word) are blurred with something. I'm not thinking straight. I repeat words over and over, some make sense, some don't. One of the worst parts is that there is a part of me during it all that is still coherent enough to know I am not well in those moments.

I have never spoken of it. It is not really something I put on the top of my resume. I would like to think that no one ever saw it yet I am not sure, there were times it would happen when I was outside. Catching yourself aimlessly wandering around your yard is unsettling.

It hasn't happened for quite a while, only a few times since I started class last year. It scares me a bit.

What do I do? I feel like I am unraveling at the seams or something. I had a grip on things, I was doing so good. Ok, so I can accept the whole "on the back side of the spiral" thing. Really, I think I am over being stubborn with that - Chris will be happy to know that one. I just don't understand why old things have to keep resurfacing? Why do the scary behaviors still have to come around? Why can't some things just stay away?

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