Long night

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I'm really tired - emotionally and physically - which means the last thing I need to be doing is writing.

The day went well for the most part. I made it through my meeting and I got a good portion of a project done by doing small parts at a time.

I didn't get away from my desk much because I am hurting and yet I did walk to and from Huff for our meeting. I took it slow and I did it. The being in the sun was much needed.

I started struggling in the later afternoon.  Maybe I should have come home early. I hung on though. And with the help of 35, I made it home safely.

I get to a point at times where I just get so tired. It is like trying to get and stay healthy and all of that exhausts me. I shift from this optimistic, I am going to keep getting stronger, to just accepting that this is my life and this is how it is and this is how it is going to be from now on.

Whereas the presiding emotion most of the day has been sadness, I am getting angry with myself. I am getting frustrated and disappointed and therefore angry. Considering where I am emotionally right now (and have been the last several hours) anger is not a good emotion to be experiencing. It is good I am tucked into bed.

I told 35 I loved her and thanks and that I just wanted her to know that in case I don't make it through all this. She replied back wanting to know if I needed her to call for me some help. As tears were trying to form, my heart and head were telling me to answer yes. I typed "no. It's late." She asked if I was sure. I told her yes. Upon arriving home and messaging that I got here, I added that maybe next time I won't be so afraid to say yes.

I hate falling into those thought patterns of "here we go again" and this is not the "Hey! Look! An adventure!" thought. This is the "please don't make me do this" thought. I am juat so tired...so, so tired.

I have all these reasons to keep fighting, not giving in, persevering, etc, etc, etc. And yet I just want things to be quiet and calm.

I've been scaring myself with my thoughts (desire scale is extremely high) and I know I just have to keep them from becoming action. I guess if Chris and 35 are not going to give up on me then I have to keep doing my best not to give up too.

Oh how I want to though, o how I want to.

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