Uncertain
It's about 8:00. I have been out of bed today a total of about 6 hours. Yet in there I did manage to take a shower and go to the store. So, although I didn't go to the farm (no one was there anyways), I did get out. Tess even went with me and was very happy to finish off some french fries that were left in the car.
I am not sure what label I would put on the day. I'm functioning and I'm not trying to hurt myself, so that has to be on the positive side, yes? 35 woke me up via chat this morning to see how I was doing. We probably had one of the longer chats than we have had in a while. We've touched base off and on throughout the day. She did her best to keep me from going back to bed this afternoon after being up only about 2 hours, yet it didn't work. I actually think I slept better this afternoon than I did last night. I really did not want to get up at all for the rest of the day, about 4 or so I made myself get up and get cleaned up.
My sister called me earlier, she was the recipient of the ever so "yup, saw that coming" letter from mom. Multiple pages of how horrible of a daughter she is and how evil Matt is. Of course she sent $20 as well because she wanted to make sure that Lora wasn't "put out" to get her flowers for her birthday. Ah, such wonderful memories it all invoked. We talked about it for a while. She wasn't going to admit it, yet I could tell it upset her, I could hear it in her voice and in her comments. I told her I was sorry she got the letter, that I knew it had to be hard as her and mom had such a close relationship at one time. I also shared with her that this was the kind of stuff Joe and I had been dealing with on a regular basis over the past several years while she was living away. She said we weren't mentioned in the letter, yet she does the same thing Joe and I do...we never admit that there is nasty stuff said about siblings.
At least Matt is getting a nice eye-opener through all of this. He would make it known that he thought that we didn't treat mom the right way and couldn't understand why we would distance ourselves from her, etc. etc. etc. He actually made a comment once that got back to us that if he saw Joe, he would kick his ass for the way he treated his mother. Oh how I would have loved to see that attempted. In the end, Matt has learned that there really are two sides to all things and that some sides are more truthful than others. Apparently, Matt doesn't really believe in therapists/counselors yet I guess he told Lora today that if that [mom's crap] is what I have had to deal with my whole life, no wonder I am going to counseling.
I felt bad for her, she and mom did have a great relationship at one time. I mean, she was the "celestial child" who even had a whole wall dedicated to her. I feel bad for Joe too, as him and mom were close too. Being so sick, she spent most of her time caring for him. It has to be tough to know that kind of love and then have a back turned on you. Maybe I am actually lucky that mom and I never had that really bonded relationship, it may have only screwed me up even more.
So, the whole "mom thing" has been haunting me for over a week now, really upsetting me. I haven't talked to her, haven't heard from her, have had no contact with her since the text that came on Christmas to which I didn't answer. I was getting frustrated as it was like she was managing to get to me with no contact at all. How do you combat that one? After talking to Lora today, I was really upset and I think I figured it out. It isn't because she is doing things to me, it is because she is to Lora - she's upsetting my baby sis. We all sent happy birthday messages to her last week. I didn't hear back from her yet Matt and Lora both got nasty-grams from her about how horrible they were.
I said to both Joe and Lora today that even though it sounded horrible, this was never going to end until she was dead. There would always be this unknown if there would be an unexpected call, text, letter, or visit. There would always be this one piece that had to keep some kind of guard up. As long as she was alive, she had the chance to hurt us. It is like she will never be content unless she is trying to hurt one of us. I'm just glad Lora is up here with us now and not down there with her.
Chris has made mention a few times about how she thinks there are still things I need to work out in regards to my mom. I think about that often and then I don't know what to do about it. I don't know where to start, what to say, how to go about it. I have no clue how to take the lead on it. It is times like this that I know she is right, there is still a lot of pain and hurt and unresolved things, although I don't know what to do about it. Am I supposed to talk, write, draw?? I don't even know what to say or what to go and visit in the memory bank. One of those "I think I need to fix this and I don't know how" moments.
You know, I always wanted to be a parent (shh, don't let that get out). I never want to actually be pregnant and birth children, yet I always wanted to be a parent. I wanted to be able to be proud of my children, to see them accomplish things and feel like I had a part in helping them be successful. I remember many years ago sitting somewhere in the car. There was some kind of a celebration, don't remember what, yet there was a child and his mother. You could tell how proud she was and I remember realizing that I would never have that opportunity to put my arms around my child and tell them how proud I was of them. Yah, I can do that with the boys or my primary kids or the multitude of children I have worked with over the years (and I have) yet it doesn't seem the same. It's like being the 3rd party in a group. I don't know, maybe it is just a desire to give something I longed for myself. I can only imagine how awesome it would be to have a parent tell you how proud they were of you and then not negate it or it get brought up down the line and discredited. Wait!!! One of my favorites..."I'm really proud, but...." or "I was proud of you until....." and many more. I sometimes wonder if I was a mistake.
I've things to get finished tonight, yet I think I am just going to go dig up some clean jammies and crawl into bed early. Not sure what the name of this emotion is that I am feeling right now. Abandoned? Is that an emotion? I feel not wanted, like there is/was something wrong with me and I am sad with that too. I am not sure what to do with that....just experience it I guess.
I am not sure what label I would put on the day. I'm functioning and I'm not trying to hurt myself, so that has to be on the positive side, yes? 35 woke me up via chat this morning to see how I was doing. We probably had one of the longer chats than we have had in a while. We've touched base off and on throughout the day. She did her best to keep me from going back to bed this afternoon after being up only about 2 hours, yet it didn't work. I actually think I slept better this afternoon than I did last night. I really did not want to get up at all for the rest of the day, about 4 or so I made myself get up and get cleaned up.
My sister called me earlier, she was the recipient of the ever so "yup, saw that coming" letter from mom. Multiple pages of how horrible of a daughter she is and how evil Matt is. Of course she sent $20 as well because she wanted to make sure that Lora wasn't "put out" to get her flowers for her birthday. Ah, such wonderful memories it all invoked. We talked about it for a while. She wasn't going to admit it, yet I could tell it upset her, I could hear it in her voice and in her comments. I told her I was sorry she got the letter, that I knew it had to be hard as her and mom had such a close relationship at one time. I also shared with her that this was the kind of stuff Joe and I had been dealing with on a regular basis over the past several years while she was living away. She said we weren't mentioned in the letter, yet she does the same thing Joe and I do...we never admit that there is nasty stuff said about siblings.
At least Matt is getting a nice eye-opener through all of this. He would make it known that he thought that we didn't treat mom the right way and couldn't understand why we would distance ourselves from her, etc. etc. etc. He actually made a comment once that got back to us that if he saw Joe, he would kick his ass for the way he treated his mother. Oh how I would have loved to see that attempted. In the end, Matt has learned that there really are two sides to all things and that some sides are more truthful than others. Apparently, Matt doesn't really believe in therapists/counselors yet I guess he told Lora today that if that [mom's crap] is what I have had to deal with my whole life, no wonder I am going to counseling.
I felt bad for her, she and mom did have a great relationship at one time. I mean, she was the "celestial child" who even had a whole wall dedicated to her. I feel bad for Joe too, as him and mom were close too. Being so sick, she spent most of her time caring for him. It has to be tough to know that kind of love and then have a back turned on you. Maybe I am actually lucky that mom and I never had that really bonded relationship, it may have only screwed me up even more.
I said to both Joe and Lora today that even though it sounded horrible, this was never going to end until she was dead. There would always be this unknown if there would be an unexpected call, text, letter, or visit. There would always be this one piece that had to keep some kind of guard up. As long as she was alive, she had the chance to hurt us. It is like she will never be content unless she is trying to hurt one of us. I'm just glad Lora is up here with us now and not down there with her.
Chris has made mention a few times about how she thinks there are still things I need to work out in regards to my mom. I think about that often and then I don't know what to do about it. I don't know where to start, what to say, how to go about it. I have no clue how to take the lead on it. It is times like this that I know she is right, there is still a lot of pain and hurt and unresolved things, although I don't know what to do about it. Am I supposed to talk, write, draw?? I don't even know what to say or what to go and visit in the memory bank. One of those "I think I need to fix this and I don't know how" moments.
You know, I always wanted to be a parent (shh, don't let that get out). I never want to actually be pregnant and birth children, yet I always wanted to be a parent. I wanted to be able to be proud of my children, to see them accomplish things and feel like I had a part in helping them be successful. I remember many years ago sitting somewhere in the car. There was some kind of a celebration, don't remember what, yet there was a child and his mother. You could tell how proud she was and I remember realizing that I would never have that opportunity to put my arms around my child and tell them how proud I was of them. Yah, I can do that with the boys or my primary kids or the multitude of children I have worked with over the years (and I have) yet it doesn't seem the same. It's like being the 3rd party in a group. I don't know, maybe it is just a desire to give something I longed for myself. I can only imagine how awesome it would be to have a parent tell you how proud they were of you and then not negate it or it get brought up down the line and discredited. Wait!!! One of my favorites..."I'm really proud, but...." or "I was proud of you until....." and many more. I sometimes wonder if I was a mistake.