Deep Breath and Prayer

One of the last pictures I drew was simple yet said a lot. I can believe in the kids, I can believe in that person I know I was before this life and the one that I will be when this life ends. I do struggle though with the me of here-and-now. I can "believe in them" and I struggle to "believe in me." Now, I understand, "they" are me and therefore one would think that just by that alone, I would believe in me. Not so. Even as the kids and I are becoming one, I still have struggles with that person who looks back at me in the mirror. So, I gave myself a sword, and as it says in the drawing, it is up to me if it works to help me believe in myself. Sometimes you need more than paper to give you something to go on. If I am to have a sword, then I am to have a sword. A trip to Hobby Lobby (yah, you know that broke my heart) and a lot of pacing up and down the jewelry making isle (I can only imagine just how lost I looked doing that) resulted in some goodies to t...

Well, after yesterday, it might be a good idea to actually do a positive and happy post. We are laughing here this afternoon at work because I came back from session smiling and in a much better mood and emotional place. I guess I didn't realize just how low I was, thought I was faking it pretty good. Anyways, they are all talking of sending Chris a huge thank you card. I keep telling her she has a fan club. So, let me do some proving that I have been attempting to do some things for myself these past few weeks. It's been hit and miss, yet there have been some things in there. Here we go....not in any particular order. Since tomorrow is Valentine's day, let's start there. I sent Elders Brooks and Erickson flowers. Yes, I did. I wrote the card very "neutral" so no one who saw it would think the wrong thing. Anyways, I sent them these rainbow cuties! How awesome are those???? I didn't even know they could do that with roses. I have seen one-color tipped rose...

I failed and I failed well. Glad to know I still have it in me. I would hate to think I was slipping in my mastery. Was not the most fun of a ride home I just did. Mind was all over the place with myths. "You are not deserving if help", "you are not good enough", "that's what you get for thinking things might be different". I just wanted some help and I really screwed up by allowing myself to think that was going to happen. No one to blame except myself. I know better than to really start believing in myself and getting excited that I may be doing better because I am always quickly reminded of how selfish that is. I started counting bridge supports and had to keep pulling my focus out of the ditches. The desire to punish myself was quickly rising (and sadly is still very high) and intent was not too far behind. The negative thoughts were on full speed ahead and set on repeat. I knew what was going in yet I had to make a choice, focus on safely keeping ...

Allow that other "creative" side of me to help in explaining things at the moment. I put that in quotes as I am not sure if I really am creative or just a little insane. Right now I feel... and my heart is beating and pounding and I can actually see my shirt moving with each beat. It doesn't feel the greatest and kind of makes it hard to breathe. I practice my breathing to help keep me calm....breathe in deep....hold....breathe out......repeat. Use that diaphragm!  I try to remember my skills.....find my blue donkey....yet I am having trouble locating him. So I figure i will just distract myself by telling a story....yes, a story would be good to shift my mind.... and at this moment, my therapist is reading this and suddenly went...."what???" Yet, it is ok, as she knows as long as I am not making much sense, that I am really ok. It's a coping skill....kind of.... The good thing is that my heart is beating normal, my mind is quieted, and now people will conti...

Seems more is coming out in pictures than in words lately. There is a part where I just have not had the words - whether it is because they just have not been there or they have disappeared. I have recently realized that there are times I don't want to find the words, avoidance at its best. Sometimes it is scary to have the words, to say them, to feel them, to see them. So at the end of session on Friday, I made not that I was sad, yet I couldn't explain it. That one wasn't avoidance, I really didn't have the words and seeing it was the end of session, I wasn't at a place to go looking for them either. I was asked if I could draw it and later in the day would do that. Even though I did my best to put it on paper in picture, something in my mind was looking for the words and found something - words, feelings, emotions...something. It's interesting that when I try to define "sad" it always includes "loss" and many times, that loss is Ali. Not t...

It's about 8:00. I have been out of bed today a total of about 6 hours. Yet in there I did manage to take a shower and go to the store. So, although I didn't go to the farm (no one was there anyways), I did get out. Tess even went with me and was very happy to finish off some french fries that were left in the car. I am not sure what label I would put on the day. I'm functioning and I'm not trying to hurt myself, so that has to be on the positive side, yes? 35 woke me up via chat this morning to see how I was doing. We probably had one of the longer chats than we have had in a while. We've touched base off and on throughout the day. She did her best to keep me from going back to bed this afternoon after being up only about 2 hours, yet it didn't work. I actually think I slept better this afternoon than I did last night. I really did not want to get up at all for the rest of the day, about 4 or so I made myself get up and get cleaned up. My sister called me earli...

I'm really tired - emotionally and physically - which means the last thing I need to be doing is writing. The day went well for the most part. I made it through my meeting and I got a good portion of a project done by doing small parts at a time. I didn't get away from my desk much because I am hurting and yet I did walk to and from Huff for our meeting. I took it slow and I did it. The being in the sun was much needed. I started struggling in the later afternoon.  Maybe I should have come home early. I hung on though. And with the help of 35, I made it home safely. I get to a point at times where I just get so tired. It is like trying to get and stay healthy and all of that exhausts me. I shift from this optimistic, I am going to keep getting stronger, to just accepting that this is my life and this is how it is and this is how it is going to be from now on. Whereas the presiding emotion most of the day has been sadness, I am getting angry with myself. I am getting frustrated ...