Deep Breath and Prayer

Check out this cool place....not the people, I don't know who they are (or what they are doing), yet this place is a huge sandbox. Is that really cool or what? It is over in Covington and called "The Sand Box" (yah, I know, original, eh?). I heard about this place about a year ago and have drooled to go over and play. Today I was going to have the chance. Jude, one my primary kids had his birthday there today and asked me to come. I have spent all week totally stoked about going to this place. Even this morning, I was answering texts about going and how excited I was. Then I started to get ready to go...... So, hey, going to the Sand Box will just have to stay on my to-do list for a while longer. As I started to get ready, I had that shut you down anxiety of "you can't go outside, outside is bad." Yes, I know that the thing to do in this case is to push through it and go outside. Most times I can do that and then there are those times when, with each step to...

I did good today. Now, Tami would get all over me for saying that because I used the word "good" and she says that if I imply something is good that is implying that there is a bad counterpart and she is trying to keep me from connecting the two. Chris does the same, yet doesn't call me out on it as much as Tami does. Anyways, I did good today. Spent the day in Charleston. Had to go do some ASL website work with Robin on campus. It was a beautiful day and the sun was shining bright. I just kept reassuring myself that it was ok to enjoy it to the extent that I could. Before we headed to lunch we snapped some pictures in front of Old Main. This is a busy photo-op spot during graduation yet I never had my pix taken here. I decided today was the day. I took a little trek around campus and town and snapped pictures of all the places I had lived. Ok, so I didn't get the trailer park I lived in when I first moved back in 98, as it is now a renovated modular home park and I d...

Hey Blewy, what you got there? A list of all the things I need to try and change about myself, or try to look at different, or try to relearn.  Looks long. Yah, it really is and I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed, like there are so many things that I am starting to feel defeated before I even start. Is that why you have spent more time in bed the past 4 days than you have out of bed and when you were out of bed you were hiding and avoiding at any chance you could take? Wow, did you miss anything there?   No, I don't think so. Why haven't you talked to me all weekend?  Been scared. Depression has been on overload since the incident and it just seems to be becoming a heavier weight on my shoulders each day. Are you going to talk to anyone about it?   Probably not. I could send an email, yet I am pretty apprehensive about doing that anymore.  Not up to feeling stupid again.  Will just do my best to ride it out as long as I can.  I go back in May, ma...

A lot on my mind, yet not for writing just yet. Actually wish I had session again tomorrow to sit and talk about things with Chris. It is ok, I see her Thursday afternoon and I can work on sorting things out on my own until then. Meanwhile, today, before session this happened: Elder Erickson's birthday is Friday. He will be.....ok, wait, let me figure this out....20. Yah, I believe we figured he was born in April and I went on my mission in July. Wait, maybe it was the year before, so he would be 21. Ok, maybe we shouldn't discuss the age difference here. Since I can't take him a cake, I tried to find as many "birthday cake" flavored things that I could. I sent him a confetti cake mix, birthday Oreos, birthday Russell Stovers, birthday peeps, birthday cookie crunchie things, and of course a couple gifts. I forgot to put his blue zebra pens in there though. I will have to send those separate. Topped it off with a 6 page letter I wrote up last night. Yah, that shoul...

I feel trapped. I feel like I am surrounded by doors that all have locks on them and none will open.  There I am, alone and trapped.  It makes me feel anxious and stressed.  Not knowing what to do, I sit there and hope someone realizes I am missing and tries to find me.  If it be possible to "be here" and "not be here" at the same time, then that is what I am. So, I guess we play the function of emotion game.  What is the trapped feeling telling me? Not sure if anything falls under the communication column other than the regular "need help figuring this out" signal.  I have to remember that for me, my body language includes my drawings.  Example, Karen asked me today when she saw me in the office if I was ok. I straight-faced told her I was for the most part when I should have held up my picture I just finished and said, "I feel trapped." Which is next...validate.  Is feeling trapped trying to tell me something?  Yah, that I am still confused...

Hello, my name is Blewy and I am a pyromaniac.....and that is perfectly ok!!! (as long as I am safe!) They are talking about rain again this week so I figured this evening was perfect to try and burn off more of the brush pile. I am determined to reclaim my back yard from the brush! I lit up the small pile I had built up when I finished a few weeks ago.  The wind may have been nasty to drive in lately, yet it has been great for drying my wood piles.  So with lighter fluid in hand, I torched. I looked over at the remainder of the original, big pile and contemplated if I should light it too.  I was hesitant as it was still kind of big for my comfort level. I paused for a few then figured, what the heck, the fire department is just down the road. Again, my magic bottle of lighter fluid and a little flame. Can I just say that it only took about 30 seconds for me to go, "oh shit! that may not have been real smart" as the heat alone off of it was pretty intense. I just stayed c...

In some past posts I talked a lot about how I couldn't feel the guardian anymore, that they were MIA or something.  Although the guardian has yet to show back up that I can feel them (and oh how I miss the hugs), my drawings started to tell a story.  Each drawing spurred another to pop up in my mind.  In the end I just kept drawing the things I was seeing until the images stopped.  I'm kind of curious where it will go. This is how the guardian showed up, wearing no breastplate because they were changing it from "guardian green" to "blewy blue and yellow." With the breastplate finished, the guardian was off to find matching pieces for the knees and elbows.  Things went back to being quiet until today when everyone made an appearance. First, the "ok" from Christopher, the one who had been the guardian for so many years. Then after a long time away, the guardian came to visit, bringing me armor.  Although I am not ready to take that role yet, the guar...