Deep Breath and Prayer

 Saturday was working in the yard day and minimal fish work day. Balance, life is about balance! Lora brought home a burn barrel, yet it needed some drain and air holes put in it. Ah ha!!! I have a grinder. Yes, that was fun!! Oh to play with all the tools that I have not touched for too many years!! Fly Sparks Fly!!! Scooby Snacks - graham crackers - I highly recommend them. Do not eat too many of them though, they do give you a belly ache. Dip them in peanut butter...amazing. Dip them in cake frosting....heavenly!!! See, pretty holes in the bottom. I am good! Because I have to take photos of everything. He he....I made Stonehenge!! The pyro in me has been woken! She did this a couple times. I think she was afraid I would put her to work. Hard to see, but we put new zip ties on her fence, they had all broken off. They had lasted since the fence was originally put up for Ali 4-5 years ago. Yes, those are candy cane solar lights. Got them on clearance. Hey, a solar light is a solar ...

Dear Diary, I think this might be a good start to making some fish! Every good fish should start with a template...well, at least that sounds like a good idea. Colored pencils to the rescue! 10 little fishies floating in the pond..... Ladies and gentlemen, the scroll saw. One of my best rummage sale purchases. The wood selection was perfect as it cut real easy and quickly and would allow me to later make adjustments to the pattern very simply. And we have our first fish!! And the new workbench is perfect!!! Getting the Tess seal of approval.....Um, wait Tess, that isn't to eat!!!!!! Three fishies!!! At this point the whole fun of this has kicked in....seriously. Yup, this is where I was hanging out. Check out that sturdy workbench! There they are!! All naked...he he he... Now to figure out how to do the metal for the mouth. First idea, grind a divit and use a small washer. Result, fail. Could have worked, yet my "dremmel" is a generic one and pretty much a piece of crap. ...

Chris was leaving for two weeks. Yes, *TWO* weeks. As a result of some other things, and I guess the timing, I asked her if I could make her a fishing game. I told her it would be something to keep me and my mind busy while she was gone. She said sure. I had no idea what that would entail, yet I had the go-ahead. This would mean working in the workshop. I had not been out there for well over a year, maybe close to two, at least for no extended period of time. We can thank the anxiety monster for that. Then, last fall and winter, the weather took care of the old workbench that was outside. Of course, then my absence from the area let the weeds grow up and etc. This was not condusive to carpentry of any kind. If I was going to build, I had start by building a place to build. With a deep breath, I closed my eyes and told myself, "I can do this. Take it slow, take your time, no rush, no hurry, no expectations." I opened my eyes, surveyed the situation, and started in. First was c...

Today you are mine. You are not good, you are not the hero, you are not the one that is liked, you are mine. You are that piece that triggers others, that says the wrong things at the wrong times, is in the wrong place at the wrong time. Yes, you are the one pointed at, disgusted with, pointed at, called out. You are the one that all can live without. A loss that would not even be noticed aside from things not being done. Only superficial. You would only be missed because you were a cog in a wheel, no more. Easily replaceable, easily forgot. Today you are mine. Nothing is what you are. A waste of people's time, a bother in their lives, a burden to their schedules. A thorn in their side is what you are. No more than a problem, this is what you are. You feel that, in your gut? That pit of disappointment and shame? The feeling that occurs with each look toward, each word from, each glance. You do nothing for them but weigh them down, hold them back. You take up space another could hav...

Evening. Just tucked in and thought maybe I should write just a little. Was out fishing this afternoon and I had that big tidal wave of sadness hit me hard. Hate it when that happens. It has weighed on me since. I actually quit fishing because of it, which timed out nicely with the thunder that rolled in. I did not go straight home, had that *not ready to go* feeling. Sat out in a parking lot for an hour or so just thinking, drawing, trying to get my head on straight. Eventually came home. Just texted a few with Chris. Told her I did not know why I was sad. Ok, let's honestly think about session today. Was there anything we talked about that wouldn't make me sad? My failed relationship with Nicole, my failed friendship with 35, my failed issues with my mom. Um, ok, maybe I have a small reason to be sad. I think it didn't hit me until earlier because I was all go, go, go, and it was the first moment that I stopped that it all could catch up with me....and it has hurt. I have...

It has taken everything I have to not go fishing . I told myself that I was not going fishing and instead I was getting things done here around the house. Yah, that equated to a 3+ hour nap. Should have gone fishing. Went with Lora yesterday. What a fun day! She caught a few and laughed as she fed a lot more. Told her not to worry, I do that that plenty of times. She was super excited each time she caught one...and when I would catch them too. We have spent a lot of time together lately, just hanging out. Maybe she should move more often? Sadly, it has been a long time since we have just "been sisters" and not had life, jobs, marriages, or mother to deal with. I am soaking them all up as much as I can because the end of the summer will be here before I know it, and she will be gone. I miss 35. I miss my friend. I miss laughing at silly things while eating Chinese. I do, I really miss my friend. I find myself wanting to send a text message and just say hello, yet she was prett...

I was afraid that seeing my infamous Elder Erickson would be either awkward or it was going to tear my heart out of my chest. I think Heavenly Father knew what I was worried about and how much I just wanted a good moment to remember. The original plan got changed, which gave me a few options and in the end, I got to meet the parents and have some great one-on-one visiting, and get the good memories I was hoping for. As Chris would say, God is good.