Deep Breath and Prayer

I am glad it is Friday. I feel like I have done not much more than screw up this past week. Seeing that there were good things that happened this past week as well, that is an awful lot of screwing up. I would like to, at some level, put it all behind me and just move on. I know it will come back around and haunt me at some point, yet let's hope there is some breathing room in between there first. I need to get back to the workbook. It sitting there on the coffee table staring at me is not helping. Twice in session now Chris has had the narrative in hand and we have not touched it. It is time to get through this stuff. I kind of hoped she was still at the office tonight when I left the ranch because I was in a super good mood, well maybe I should say it like this - I was in a really good place with myself - and I thought, "this would be a great moment to just sit and talk for a few, while in this good spot." It is rare that I show up in session in that spot, matter of fac...

So, I have been told by the therapy family, and I have read in the workbooks, and it has been reiterated by my support community...it is ok to feel. It is ok to feel ALL emotions. I'm sorry, even after all this time, there are still some emotions that I just do not like to feel. I am thinking I could go through a lifetime of "emotional regulation" training and I am still not going to enjoy feeling sad, lonely, afraid, scared, or apprehensive. I may not even get comfortable with "sitting" with those emotions. Call it willfulness, call it stubbornness, call it whatever, yet I just do not like those feelings. They still happen though. They still happen and they still stick around and there is still nothing I can do about it to make them go away. When I went through the Lonnie stuff, I remember it was an emotional roller coaster. I am sure it was even more than I remember as there are parts of it that are kind of a blur or just kind of ran together. I had emotions c...

Well, time to open the box back up I guess. Chris would say how with the abuse stuff, maybe there would be times when I might just need to put it in a box and put it on the shelf for a bit (and she would make sure it did not get left there) and visit it at a later time. Naps and overnight sleep full of nightmares, anger outbursts (haven't thrown something across the room for a long time, nice to see I still have it in me), and untriggered dissociations are making me think I should get back to the list of questions. Something/someone was trying to talk all day today. I will often use that comparison to feeling like there is pressure in me, like a shaken up pop can. I feel like there is something greater than I (and not great as in wonderful/marvelous) inside of me and it is trying to get out. Sometimes that is one of the triggers for the self harm - is like a pressure release. I am suffocating from the inside and I need some kind of a release. Now, with the abuse stuff coming throug...

I know the idea of starting a new blog was to write about working through the abuse healing journey, yet it is my blog and therefore I can choose to write about whatever is on my mind, right? And in the end, it is all related and tied together so I think it is ok to have some posts that are not directly addressing pages in the workbook or such. We do not have to rehash the struggle of this week. Chris would actually encourage me to try and look at the accomplishments and positive times...she is good at that. In the end, I made it, maybe the most important piece of it all. Woke up today in a not so good place. Migraine, anxiety, panic. Of course that just pissed me off. Yup, totally skipped the "accept where you are" piece and jumped to "this is how I have to start a beautiful Saturday?" I did take my magic white pill....although I have just realized that I have not taken any of my other meds. Anyways, it ia what it is...and that would be the "whatever" ver...

The next exercise up in the book is a way to help you see your progress. It is set up so no matter where you are in your journey, just starting or way into the process, you can have a benchmark to look back at and see where you were and where you are. I know that I struggle with that - the feeling that I am not making progress, or that I have regressed. It notes to come back and do this periodically. I have gone back to these pages a couple times in the past week and I close the book and "run" from it. This is one of those "scary" exercises for me. It is one of those having to really think about the situation and sit much closer to the abuse than I may want to. I have thought about doing this in session, yet not sure how to do that. I think my conclusion will be to choose the option "in the middle" which is sit out in my little safe spot in the parking lot and do them. I am not taking up anyone's time (I find it difficult to ask someone to just sit the...

I almost had it. The day was good. Good session - I even asked good questions. Heck, I even shared scary thoughts instead of avoiding. I mean, that is success right there, eh? I have had a lot of up days in a row now.....and therefore the demons just do not like that. I guess my big mistake was that I didn't think about that part of it. I did not let my mind go to that whole "when is the bad going to happen, when is the scale going to tip." Oh silly, silly, me. I am too tired to draw right now, yet let me see if I can tell you what I see in my head if I were to put it on paper. The darkness has me pinned to the ground. On my back, on a ledge with my shoulders and head hanging over the edge. The darkness has its knee in my chest, hand at my throat, the other hand pulled back in a fist. "Oh no you don't" it yells at me. Too excited about the future I guess. Too happy about life. Too much enjoying the moment, enjoying life. The darkness is smart as it waits unt...

Ok, I was completely freaked out about reading this section, like I avoided it, then I avoided it again. Seriously, I would not even look ahead and try to prepare myself for it. With a deep breath, I took it on last night. Um, well, um, ok. I will have to say, I am kind of disappointed here. There are a couple scenarios that could have transpired here. One, the book could have missed a big opportunity to talk about nurturing one's self (I will get to more on that soon)? Two, maybe the book talks more about it in later chapters and this is just a preview? Three, Chris (and the rest of the family) are such advocates for nurturing one's self that and making it such an important thing that the "typical" view of it does not measure up? Unless I had pages stuck together and missed something, I found myself going, "that's all"? Heck, if I knew that is all it was going to be, then I would have read through it the other night while speed reading the other pages. ...