When Nurturing Skills Need Practice
I almost had it. The day was good. Good session - I even asked good questions. Heck, I even shared scary thoughts instead of avoiding. I mean, that is success right there, eh? I have had a lot of up days in a row now.....and therefore the demons just do not like that. I guess my big mistake was that I didn't think about that part of it. I did not let my mind go to that whole "when is the bad going to happen, when is the scale going to tip." Oh silly, silly, me.
I am too tired to draw right now, yet let me see if I can tell you what I see in my head if I were to put it on paper. The darkness has me pinned to the ground. On my back, on a ledge with my shoulders and head hanging over the edge. The darkness has its knee in my chest, hand at my throat, the other hand pulled back in a fist. "Oh no you don't" it yells at me. Too excited about the future I guess. Too happy about life. Too much enjoying the moment, enjoying life. The darkness is smart as it waits until I am exhausted physically to grab me and slam me down. I stop to take a break and it pounces.
Out of nowhere. I did not even see it coming. I felt it when I got there though. It latched on and I knew exactly what was going to happen. I knew the feelings that were going to come, I knew the desires that were going to manifest, I knew the thoughts that were going to invade. I also knew how tired I was and thus, how vulnerable I was to it all. I also knew I had placed myself in a position where I could not reach out for help, at least not to anyone that could get to me. I knew where this was headed.
It should have been a big sign when I kept waking up in the car because I had hit the door or console with my fist while asleep. Seems I was trying to quiet the screaming in my head. I tried to stay awake yet I was so tired and I knew my evening was not going to be an early one. Plus, I needed to sleep a little in order to drive safely. I changed locations, maybe being at the office would make it better. No change, it only let the demon grown in size and strength. The little voice in the back of my head, "oh crap, here we go."
The emotions fired up - anger, frustration, disappointment. The thoughts - you had done so good and now look where you were. What a great day you had been having and now you knew what was going to happen next. Way to make people proud of you Blew - way to go! I cradled my head in my arms, rocking back in forth in my seat, whispering to myself, "stop, make it stop, make it stop, make it stop."
Guilt and shame are wonderful weapons. They keep me from doing a lot. They kept me from looking for other ways to find help. They allowed me to think about all the achievements I had done in the past several days, and then magnify where I was at that moment. They stirred up the "this is why you don't get excited over things, this is why you are not worthy of having good things, you are not deserving of the positive, you are not allowed to be happy....YOU are not." I continue to rock, I continue to hold my head. I am very aware at this point that I am going to hurt myself. A reminder.
Earlier in the day I had come up with a great idea in regards to a plan to help me with my healing journey with the abuse and all. I wanted run it across Chris as I would need her input and advisement. I was really excited about it - we all know how my imagination works. I told her I would drop her an email. No. I think I will let that be for now. Seems I am backtracking right now and I probably should work on getting back to square one before I go looking to jump forward. Besides, all I have done since this evening is doubt myself over it all anyways.
I punched the big green power box thingy in the drive at the office. That was after I got sick because I got so emotionally worked up. My nerves just do not like that. Get upset, get sick, get pissed, take it out on something. I had a plan. I was going to come home after my computer job tonight (not expecting it to take 3 hours) and cut myself. Had it all planned out. Knew I had the "no ER" promise to keep, yet I can do a lot of damage and never need a doctor. Yes, I was that upset. I had a plan. Guess you could say the intent scale was about as high as it could be.
I had no intention of telling anyone. Was not their fault I was screwing up. Figured I might tell Mel, being sure to let her know that no one else knew and I would like to keep it that way. I wanted to call Chris, yet the demon really knows how to play that "you are only going to be bugging her" game with me. And when that one doesn't work, the demon throws in the "look how good you have been doing, what will she think of you?"
35 contacted me, asked me if I was ok. I was at my job. Told her not really yet I was faking it really good while I had to. I wanted to tell her my plan, yet what could she do? Told her I would check in with her when I got done, which would be a while as I just had started. And I did, just as I promised.
Didn't expect the computer job to take so long. Maybe God had His hand in that one. Maybe He knew if it went long, my schedule would be thrown off, I would be even more exhausted and tired. I would come home and sit down and write. I would still want to hurt myself, I would still want to take a razor and cut myself, punish myself with the pain. He would know I would be too tired to do it. He would know that I would become angry with myself because of that - wanting to do it so bad, and not doing it. He would know and He would be perfectly fine with it. He would know that I would glance at the razor blade within arms reach of me and pause, thinking about it, seriously considering it. I would visualize it, almost as if I could taste the experience. I could actually feel the chill just by seeing it in my mind, yet I would just sit here, silently, without moving. He would know this, and He would be ok with it. He would be ok with it because He knows I am tired, so very tired. He knows I am trying my best. He knows I tried my best today. He also knows I will isolate myself and hide for a few days because I feel ashamed and embarrassed. He wishes that I wouldn't do this, nor feel this way, and He understands. He also knows I am very tired and therefore thinks it is best for me to just go to bed and call it a night. No more fighting with myself, no more hurting myself, just crawl up under the blankets, hug the bear and Tess, and trust that He will look over me while I sleep.
I am too tired to draw right now, yet let me see if I can tell you what I see in my head if I were to put it on paper. The darkness has me pinned to the ground. On my back, on a ledge with my shoulders and head hanging over the edge. The darkness has its knee in my chest, hand at my throat, the other hand pulled back in a fist. "Oh no you don't" it yells at me. Too excited about the future I guess. Too happy about life. Too much enjoying the moment, enjoying life. The darkness is smart as it waits until I am exhausted physically to grab me and slam me down. I stop to take a break and it pounces.
Out of nowhere. I did not even see it coming. I felt it when I got there though. It latched on and I knew exactly what was going to happen. I knew the feelings that were going to come, I knew the desires that were going to manifest, I knew the thoughts that were going to invade. I also knew how tired I was and thus, how vulnerable I was to it all. I also knew I had placed myself in a position where I could not reach out for help, at least not to anyone that could get to me. I knew where this was headed.
It should have been a big sign when I kept waking up in the car because I had hit the door or console with my fist while asleep. Seems I was trying to quiet the screaming in my head. I tried to stay awake yet I was so tired and I knew my evening was not going to be an early one. Plus, I needed to sleep a little in order to drive safely. I changed locations, maybe being at the office would make it better. No change, it only let the demon grown in size and strength. The little voice in the back of my head, "oh crap, here we go."
The emotions fired up - anger, frustration, disappointment. The thoughts - you had done so good and now look where you were. What a great day you had been having and now you knew what was going to happen next. Way to make people proud of you Blew - way to go! I cradled my head in my arms, rocking back in forth in my seat, whispering to myself, "stop, make it stop, make it stop, make it stop."
Guilt and shame are wonderful weapons. They keep me from doing a lot. They kept me from looking for other ways to find help. They allowed me to think about all the achievements I had done in the past several days, and then magnify where I was at that moment. They stirred up the "this is why you don't get excited over things, this is why you are not worthy of having good things, you are not deserving of the positive, you are not allowed to be happy....YOU are not." I continue to rock, I continue to hold my head. I am very aware at this point that I am going to hurt myself. A reminder.
Earlier in the day I had come up with a great idea in regards to a plan to help me with my healing journey with the abuse and all. I wanted run it across Chris as I would need her input and advisement. I was really excited about it - we all know how my imagination works. I told her I would drop her an email. No. I think I will let that be for now. Seems I am backtracking right now and I probably should work on getting back to square one before I go looking to jump forward. Besides, all I have done since this evening is doubt myself over it all anyways.
I punched the big green power box thingy in the drive at the office. That was after I got sick because I got so emotionally worked up. My nerves just do not like that. Get upset, get sick, get pissed, take it out on something. I had a plan. I was going to come home after my computer job tonight (not expecting it to take 3 hours) and cut myself. Had it all planned out. Knew I had the "no ER" promise to keep, yet I can do a lot of damage and never need a doctor. Yes, I was that upset. I had a plan. Guess you could say the intent scale was about as high as it could be.
I had no intention of telling anyone. Was not their fault I was screwing up. Figured I might tell Mel, being sure to let her know that no one else knew and I would like to keep it that way. I wanted to call Chris, yet the demon really knows how to play that "you are only going to be bugging her" game with me. And when that one doesn't work, the demon throws in the "look how good you have been doing, what will she think of you?"
35 contacted me, asked me if I was ok. I was at my job. Told her not really yet I was faking it really good while I had to. I wanted to tell her my plan, yet what could she do? Told her I would check in with her when I got done, which would be a while as I just had started. And I did, just as I promised.
Didn't expect the computer job to take so long. Maybe God had His hand in that one. Maybe He knew if it went long, my schedule would be thrown off, I would be even more exhausted and tired. I would come home and sit down and write. I would still want to hurt myself, I would still want to take a razor and cut myself, punish myself with the pain. He would know I would be too tired to do it. He would know that I would become angry with myself because of that - wanting to do it so bad, and not doing it. He would know and He would be perfectly fine with it. He would know that I would glance at the razor blade within arms reach of me and pause, thinking about it, seriously considering it. I would visualize it, almost as if I could taste the experience. I could actually feel the chill just by seeing it in my mind, yet I would just sit here, silently, without moving. He would know this, and He would be ok with it. He would be ok with it because He knows I am tired, so very tired. He knows I am trying my best. He knows I tried my best today. He also knows I will isolate myself and hide for a few days because I feel ashamed and embarrassed. He wishes that I wouldn't do this, nor feel this way, and He understands. He also knows I am very tired and therefore thinks it is best for me to just go to bed and call it a night. No more fighting with myself, no more hurting myself, just crawl up under the blankets, hug the bear and Tess, and trust that He will look over me while I sleep.