Safety and Support
Safety, ground rules, safe places. Ok, so I sped-read these sections. Yah, I read them and maybe I read them in a quicker fashion than that pages previously. The intro said that there would be parts that would move faster than others, yet let's be honest here. "Have you ever felt safe" and those questions. Whether I fight to figure out what time frame of my life to answer them in, the bottom line is, yes, there has been at least one time in my life that I have felt safe and yes, I can describe it, and yes, I can pick out factors, etc. Do I deserve to be safe? I just cannot even get into that question because it starts the whole double standard firestorm and I end up getting made each time I start to try and dialog through it so I have just decided to let it be. So, shall we move on to what the books calls the "5 building blocks of safety"?
Create Ground Rules. Yes, because we all know how good I am with rules. Chris and I have "rules" although they are more like agreements or deals with each other. I guess you could call them rules if you had to. The agreements of expectations or actions/reactions. What is ok, what is not. Definitions of boundaries. Set ground rules for yourself.....ha ha ha ha ha. Well, ok, I do understand the principle. And from the list of things, if there were ones that would get me, I guess they might be...I usually push myself further than I'm ready to go, I'm afraid of being isolated and alone with strong feelings come up (although I am kind of used to this happening), and I'm afraid I'll do something self-destructive instead of reaching out (yet only a little on this one). It says "use the issues you identified as the basis for your ground rules." I think mine should be more of rules to make sure I keep my rules. Anyways, the bottom line is that I have to remember that Chris said not to try and do it all in one shot (or two, or three), remember I have skills and tools to help get me through if I get caught off guard, and if I don't want to reach out, reach out anyways.
Build a container. Ok, all could think about reading this whole section was making a cardboard fort. No, seriously. I don't know why, yet even as it explained things and suggested things and all of that, I kept picturing a big cardboard box, like from a fridge or a washer. Now I know this one has to do with time frames and boundaries, yet the word container just makes me think of big cardboard box. I think I am ok here. I will work on things as I come to them at the pace I do. I do not think I need to set a schedule. Actually, I think that would hinder me more than help me. This might be different if I were doing this with a group, yet it is just me so it is my pace.
Find a safe spot. A safe spot for me is generally something I have defined as "my spot" although that does not necessarily mean it is physically mine. Now, my house is a safe spot, and yes, it is mine. The parking spot I almost always use at Chris' office is a safe spot, it is "mine" when I use it, yet it is not actually owned by me. I have several safe spots in Chris' office depending on where I am emotionally. On those moments, where I am is "my spot" and is where I feel safest. Again, I do not own that piece of space, yet its value to me is that I do not feel afraid there. Kind of a home is where you hang your hat. Safe is where you make your spot.
Establish your privacy. I think I am ok with this. I am lucky to already have a safe circle of people that I can choose what to share and not share or how much to share with, and it is respected. I also think I am in a good enough place with Chris that she can comfortably call me out to ask if I am not sharing something because I do not want to share or if I am avoiding. And I am perfectly ok with that.
Your support system. Ok, is it bad that I really did skim through this? I have a support system. I have a good one. I have a top notch therapy family and really don't need to read about choosing a therapist. So I did take a look through the list of helps/hindrances to healing....well, I am known for my willfulness and stubbornness.
And then the couple sections on when I am lost and scared, start to panic, etc. Ok, maybe I read those a little faster too and not for any reason other than I did not want to know what was in there. I didn't want to hear about "stop and ask for help" or things like that. Or actually more of "it's ok to stop and ask for help." A lot of what is in these areas is distress tolerance, and that is cool because who doesn't love blue donkeys? Yet again, it is always hard to hear, no matter how it is phrased, that IT IS OK to feel (enter emotion here) and IT IS OK TO ASK FOR HELP. I often wonder if a person gets to a place where that does not feel uncomfortable, even if you do it.
Ah, then the ..... suicidal thoughts. Hey, at least the book is honest and comes out and says that at some point you are most likely going to have suicidal thoughts. I do not think I have ever read anything that is just honest about that. Yet, we don't have to worry about this. Yes, I have had the thoughts, yes, I still do, yes, I still will. I also have some very powerful promises that I will not do it. I do not need a suicide plan (or a no-suicide plan, however that is supposed to be phrased). Got this covered. No more worries in the suicide department. Self-harm department, still working in that one, suicide department - not a problem.
Which after a few more little things rolls us right up into......nurturing yourself. Ah yes, you might as well have ran me face first into a brick wall. Can we go back and talk about the cardboard fort again or making some ground rules. Maybe I should make a rule of "I will not run away, I will not run away, I will not run away."
Wanna know how seeing that headline makes me feel? It takes my breath away, like getting punched in the chest, wind knocked out of you unexpectedly. What should appear "normal" appears very large and overwhelming. It is scary and I start looking around everywhere, feeling very alone and lost and wanting to scream "CHRIS!!!!!!" because I need to hear her say, "I am right here, you are ok." Yes, "nurturing" is not something I am very familiar with, let alone skilled on the healthy side with, and there it is, the next bridge to cross. I really do not want to do this by myself.
Create Ground Rules. Yes, because we all know how good I am with rules. Chris and I have "rules" although they are more like agreements or deals with each other. I guess you could call them rules if you had to. The agreements of expectations or actions/reactions. What is ok, what is not. Definitions of boundaries. Set ground rules for yourself.....ha ha ha ha ha. Well, ok, I do understand the principle. And from the list of things, if there were ones that would get me, I guess they might be...I usually push myself further than I'm ready to go, I'm afraid of being isolated and alone with strong feelings come up (although I am kind of used to this happening), and I'm afraid I'll do something self-destructive instead of reaching out (yet only a little on this one). It says "use the issues you identified as the basis for your ground rules." I think mine should be more of rules to make sure I keep my rules. Anyways, the bottom line is that I have to remember that Chris said not to try and do it all in one shot (or two, or three), remember I have skills and tools to help get me through if I get caught off guard, and if I don't want to reach out, reach out anyways.
Build a container. Ok, all could think about reading this whole section was making a cardboard fort. No, seriously. I don't know why, yet even as it explained things and suggested things and all of that, I kept picturing a big cardboard box, like from a fridge or a washer. Now I know this one has to do with time frames and boundaries, yet the word container just makes me think of big cardboard box. I think I am ok here. I will work on things as I come to them at the pace I do. I do not think I need to set a schedule. Actually, I think that would hinder me more than help me. This might be different if I were doing this with a group, yet it is just me so it is my pace.
Find a safe spot. A safe spot for me is generally something I have defined as "my spot" although that does not necessarily mean it is physically mine. Now, my house is a safe spot, and yes, it is mine. The parking spot I almost always use at Chris' office is a safe spot, it is "mine" when I use it, yet it is not actually owned by me. I have several safe spots in Chris' office depending on where I am emotionally. On those moments, where I am is "my spot" and is where I feel safest. Again, I do not own that piece of space, yet its value to me is that I do not feel afraid there. Kind of a home is where you hang your hat. Safe is where you make your spot.
Establish your privacy. I think I am ok with this. I am lucky to already have a safe circle of people that I can choose what to share and not share or how much to share with, and it is respected. I also think I am in a good enough place with Chris that she can comfortably call me out to ask if I am not sharing something because I do not want to share or if I am avoiding. And I am perfectly ok with that.
Your support system. Ok, is it bad that I really did skim through this? I have a support system. I have a good one. I have a top notch therapy family and really don't need to read about choosing a therapist. So I did take a look through the list of helps/hindrances to healing....well, I am known for my willfulness and stubbornness.
And then the couple sections on when I am lost and scared, start to panic, etc. Ok, maybe I read those a little faster too and not for any reason other than I did not want to know what was in there. I didn't want to hear about "stop and ask for help" or things like that. Or actually more of "it's ok to stop and ask for help." A lot of what is in these areas is distress tolerance, and that is cool because who doesn't love blue donkeys? Yet again, it is always hard to hear, no matter how it is phrased, that IT IS OK to feel (enter emotion here) and IT IS OK TO ASK FOR HELP. I often wonder if a person gets to a place where that does not feel uncomfortable, even if you do it.
Ah, then the ..... suicidal thoughts. Hey, at least the book is honest and comes out and says that at some point you are most likely going to have suicidal thoughts. I do not think I have ever read anything that is just honest about that. Yet, we don't have to worry about this. Yes, I have had the thoughts, yes, I still do, yes, I still will. I also have some very powerful promises that I will not do it. I do not need a suicide plan (or a no-suicide plan, however that is supposed to be phrased). Got this covered. No more worries in the suicide department. Self-harm department, still working in that one, suicide department - not a problem.
Which after a few more little things rolls us right up into......nurturing yourself. Ah yes, you might as well have ran me face first into a brick wall. Can we go back and talk about the cardboard fort again or making some ground rules. Maybe I should make a rule of "I will not run away, I will not run away, I will not run away."
Wanna know how seeing that headline makes me feel? It takes my breath away, like getting punched in the chest, wind knocked out of you unexpectedly. What should appear "normal" appears very large and overwhelming. It is scary and I start looking around everywhere, feeling very alone and lost and wanting to scream "CHRIS!!!!!!" because I need to hear her say, "I am right here, you are ok." Yes, "nurturing" is not something I am very familiar with, let alone skilled on the healthy side with, and there it is, the next bridge to cross. I really do not want to do this by myself.