Deep Breath and Prayer

Ok, I'm just going to crack up that the last entry was "day 7" because now it is like day 67 or who knows what. Welcome to the new norm, no seriously because no one can decide if it is safe to be inside hiding or outside around other people yet. Forget social distancing because no one really allows you to try it out in any kind of legitimate scenario. Do you know it's been 10 weeks since we have had church? Is that insane? I am going to say, I am so jealous of St. Matt's right now because they are now able to do communion. Granted, it's a "drive-thru" kind of thing, yet they have it down pretty well. Yah, I'm totally jealous. Can we have drive thru sacrament? Can I be Catholic for a day? I've actually watched so much Mass in the past 10 weeks plus the other St. Matt videos that I might be able to get at least a C on the Catechism test :) Yes, just kidding, don't worry, not jumping ship. I miss my people. I miss Courtney. I miss my therap...

Well, COVID 19 is still out there and we are all still quarantined. Yes, it sounds like a sci-fi movie. Welcome to the new world. Ann is running a low grade fever now and Evelyn is sick. I really thought it might catch me before her, yet she does have kids. The isolation sucks, it messes with my head. I went out yesterday and managed to stay out. Played in the shop and went fishing. That was well. The day before tried for a walk around the block, that didn't go as well. Made about 1/2 a block before the anxiety got me. Safe places good, all other places too scary. It is hard to keep track of things. I need to come up with a project for work, or start on my finals for class. Something that keeps me out of bed and keeps my mind busy. Yes, can clean the house and maybe that should be my goal too. I could count how many muddy paw prints come through the house as it keeps raining outside. Yup, glad I got out yesterday, today sucks. But I do get to "see" Chris at noon and Me...

I really don't know if I will ever get rid of that dark piece in me. I have a feeling that the day that someone comes into my life and truly loves me, that it might change. Problem is, that most likely isn't going to happen in this life, so how do I deal with a demon that keep reminding me on a regular basis that I am not worth the same as others and follows it up with some really good evidence? You see, if they supported it with a bunch of BS, that would be one thing, yet when it is factual crap, that makes it harder. So in my homework from Chris I said, can I just keep telling myself that I am "as worthy as Washo" cause I know she has it made in that worthy department. She said sure, if that works, to go for it. I will say things like I just want to know what it feels like, etc. Truth is that I know these things. So I guess the proper thing to say is either to remember how it feels or the chance to feel that way again. I remember the confidence, and I remember havi...

Ah hell, what are we all doing in this life anyways besides scraping our knuckles while trying to hang on for dear life? Well, now, that could just kind of sum it all up there, couldn't it. You know I realized the other day that I have not been out of inpatient but 4 full months. Seems longer, yet, let's be honest, I guess I am allowed to still feel a bit "struggly" if that is a word. Sure it's a word, Chris and I make up words all the time. I decided night before last that I lacked faith. That was my issue. Not only do I fear success, I lack faith in myself. Heck, I don't know, those sound crazy too. Ok, maybe not the fear of success one. I think that is part of what is happening right now, things are starting to fall into place here and there and that is scary. Other things are still jumping around the gameboard like mexican jumping beans. I will get it. Slowly it will come.

There is a reason I do not act upon my feelings when I get upset, angry, or whatever other feelings fall into that category. Let's see, remember Erika's class key? Sit with your feelings. Eat those suckers! Do not act! Do not try to act! Agree, don't agree, just keep your mouth shut. If you choose to act, just remember, there are consequences. You would think I knew this for the so many times that actions were taken against me and the consequences I ate. Sat in church thinking about things and by the end got the feeling of, "apologize."  Go back, explain what happened, why you reacted, and see what the consequences are now for you actions. Oh, and there will be consequences, in brief consequences with Mel, it looks like I most likely be losing her as my provider. Consequences. If this happens, can I blame Mel? No. With her new position, I am not really a good fit. At Ascend, if our conversations were more therapeutic over nutrition, it seemed to be ok, she eve...

Life after inpatient rehab. Way different than before. Ok, is that a fair statement? In truth, if I really want to think about it, the emotional cyclone really isn't that different, I just am in a much better situation. At least I'm not getting evicted this round! I have so much anger in me. Is it a secondary emotion? Hell, I don't know, and it is there. I do not know how to express anger very appropriate. Seems like I have said all of this before, and here I still am. Ah, the work of personal progress. And happiness? Well, seems I can do that and seems I can destroy that. (And here comes the anger...) Bottom line, I pretty much hate my life as is. The fact of having these mental arguments over just going outside that get so outraged and overloaded that my whole physical self is affected. But wait! This might be self-sabotaging!!! You know you will be really happy if you go outside to work in the shop, so we can't be having that now, can we!! No!! Getting better is ...

I always say, I don't want to die, I just want things to stop and be quiet so I can breathe and catch up, etc. That is what comes with the self harm - I don't want to die, I just need a break. I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally. Not sure why I have to end up in the place again. Not sure what I have done or not done. My days...and sometimes hours...are accompanied by promises and phrases - I'm safe, I won't, I'm good, I will. My actions are so untrustworthy that I spend as much time in therapy as I do at work - and rightfully so. I'm so done with it. I'm tired of living my life this way. I'm tired of having to promise this and report that. I don't want people worrying about me. I'm exhausted, I would guess they are exhausted too. I hate that I am so screwed up that I have to continually report things, that I can't manage to eat correctly, that I can't even take ownership of my life. Never thought I would put suicide back on the...