Just a Saturday
I have the coolest toys. Yes, I really do. Therefore when any kind of job that requires power tools needs done, it is trip to my house.
Monday is TKD promotion test so we had to chop down some pine boards for the kids to break. I always breathe deep when my brother plays with my saws. He wasn't really the one in the family to get the carpentry genetics. I let him play though, and I keep my phone close to call 911.
We had some odd sized pieces, so what else do you do with them except break them! I haven't broken boards for a lot of years, so I finally got to hit something and not feel guilty or have to follow it up with apologies. It's not really a surprise that I've been wanting to plow my fist through anything for a while now. So we can just call this, a controlled environment, yes, that sounds wonderful! JB tried to hold it, yet he just wasn't strong enough. That strike will probably bruise. The next shot though, my brother held it and I popped through it like it was paper. Of course he looked at me and said, you know if that bruises you are going to have to explain it to your therapist!
As I said, I have the coolest toys and JB's eyes lit up when I pulled out the double sided axe. This is one heavy axe. I told JB it wasn't like the machete, it actually had some heft and could hurt him. [Yes, I own a machete, a very sharp one. I bought it one year at roadside flea market in Arkansas.] I turned him loose in the brush pile at the back of the yard. I stood far, far away. After four swings, I took it away from him in fear that someone was going to end up going to the hospital. He's just waiting for the weather to get nice so he can use the chainsaw. Pretty soon they are not going to allow him to spend so much time with me!
It is nice to be home today. I feel like I have been going non-stop for a long time now. Even when I was home, I couldn't seem to feel relaxed. I continue to see things coming together and making sense. Between things I learned from Lisa, class, therapy now, any my own research, it feels like things are starting to make some sense. For the longest time I seemed to have all these pieces and parts. I'd identify something and then not know really what to do with it or how it fit into the larger puzzle. It was like having all these post-it notes filling up a wall, yet not a lot of rhyme or reason to them.
Some of it is coming together on its own. I guess I just had to wait until the right time - all things have their season. I also think that a change of vision is helping. I have been trying this week to change how I view "here" in the sense of it all seems so chaotic, like something is always off. Now, I made the goal to start physically taking control of my surroundings, which I am doing very well with. Again, it was not how big or how much, it was just doing something every day and this I have done.
I've tried to move away from the "this is chaos" mindset. This is my world, and my world is a little crazy sometimes, yet I don't care for it to be chaotic. Therefore, if I don't want it to feel chaotic, I need to not look at it that way. Again, one of those things that I am not sure how you would really explain. There seems to be a lot of power in just changing the way you look at something. I keep doing the little "experiments" like changing how I look, react, or interact with something. For the most part I cannot change life or control what it throws at me, yet I can adapt how I look at it and react to it and interact with it. Sounds good on paper, and so far seems to translate well into action.
I also decided to get back on some medication. You know I have humbled myself to life when I finally give in and do this. I made about two years or so off of it, yet I have just continually found it more and more difficult keeping the depression under some control. When everything else emotionally was out of whack, it did not seem to stick out so bad. I had hoped as things were healing and I was getting healthy, that it too would ride the uphill path. It hasn't seemed to move too far and with its little surge there at the holidays, it's been a little rougher than normal to keep in check. So I'm back to being a happy little Zoloft blob.
It will work. If I have learned anything over the past many years, it is the needs of my body. Sure, I don't always act upon them as I should, yet I am able to recognize when something is off. I'm staying at a low dose, probably around 50mg. Considering I was at 200mg when I went off of it, this is good. And, I'm looking at it as hopefully a short term solution, yet I will let life and the doctor make that decision. I do know that if I go off it, I won't cold turkey it again. It's about HEALTHY choices now.
It's been a lovely few days as it gets back into my system. Even at the lower dose, I knew there would be the "getting used to" side effects. Those come no matter what psych drug you take. I have had a few days of a migraine and hypersensitivity to sound (I hate to think how much I have said "Shhh, too loud" in the past 48 hours). Doesn't take long for the side effects to kick in. It generally takes about a week for it all to start leveling off. Again, kind of sad that I am so knowledgeable on this.
And there we have it. A simple, for the most part quiet, Saturday. Things are calm and well. I will take it.
Monday is TKD promotion test so we had to chop down some pine boards for the kids to break. I always breathe deep when my brother plays with my saws. He wasn't really the one in the family to get the carpentry genetics. I let him play though, and I keep my phone close to call 911.
We had some odd sized pieces, so what else do you do with them except break them! I haven't broken boards for a lot of years, so I finally got to hit something and not feel guilty or have to follow it up with apologies. It's not really a surprise that I've been wanting to plow my fist through anything for a while now. So we can just call this, a controlled environment, yes, that sounds wonderful! JB tried to hold it, yet he just wasn't strong enough. That strike will probably bruise. The next shot though, my brother held it and I popped through it like it was paper. Of course he looked at me and said, you know if that bruises you are going to have to explain it to your therapist!
It is nice to be home today. I feel like I have been going non-stop for a long time now. Even when I was home, I couldn't seem to feel relaxed. I continue to see things coming together and making sense. Between things I learned from Lisa, class, therapy now, any my own research, it feels like things are starting to make some sense. For the longest time I seemed to have all these pieces and parts. I'd identify something and then not know really what to do with it or how it fit into the larger puzzle. It was like having all these post-it notes filling up a wall, yet not a lot of rhyme or reason to them.
Some of it is coming together on its own. I guess I just had to wait until the right time - all things have their season. I also think that a change of vision is helping. I have been trying this week to change how I view "here" in the sense of it all seems so chaotic, like something is always off. Now, I made the goal to start physically taking control of my surroundings, which I am doing very well with. Again, it was not how big or how much, it was just doing something every day and this I have done.
I've tried to move away from the "this is chaos" mindset. This is my world, and my world is a little crazy sometimes, yet I don't care for it to be chaotic. Therefore, if I don't want it to feel chaotic, I need to not look at it that way. Again, one of those things that I am not sure how you would really explain. There seems to be a lot of power in just changing the way you look at something. I keep doing the little "experiments" like changing how I look, react, or interact with something. For the most part I cannot change life or control what it throws at me, yet I can adapt how I look at it and react to it and interact with it. Sounds good on paper, and so far seems to translate well into action.
I also decided to get back on some medication. You know I have humbled myself to life when I finally give in and do this. I made about two years or so off of it, yet I have just continually found it more and more difficult keeping the depression under some control. When everything else emotionally was out of whack, it did not seem to stick out so bad. I had hoped as things were healing and I was getting healthy, that it too would ride the uphill path. It hasn't seemed to move too far and with its little surge there at the holidays, it's been a little rougher than normal to keep in check. So I'm back to being a happy little Zoloft blob.It will work. If I have learned anything over the past many years, it is the needs of my body. Sure, I don't always act upon them as I should, yet I am able to recognize when something is off. I'm staying at a low dose, probably around 50mg. Considering I was at 200mg when I went off of it, this is good. And, I'm looking at it as hopefully a short term solution, yet I will let life and the doctor make that decision. I do know that if I go off it, I won't cold turkey it again. It's about HEALTHY choices now.
It's been a lovely few days as it gets back into my system. Even at the lower dose, I knew there would be the "getting used to" side effects. Those come no matter what psych drug you take. I have had a few days of a migraine and hypersensitivity to sound (I hate to think how much I have said "Shhh, too loud" in the past 48 hours). Doesn't take long for the side effects to kick in. It generally takes about a week for it all to start leveling off. Again, kind of sad that I am so knowledgeable on this.
And there we have it. A simple, for the most part quiet, Saturday. Things are calm and well. I will take it.