TBT - Letting go

I do a lot of posting about my missionaries as well as when I was a missionary myself. Missionaries have been a part of my life for a long time. Back in 1978, a set of missionaries started meeting with my family and teaching them. I was 7 and would not be baptized until almost a year later, yet I was smitten as much as a 7 year old could be with Elder Bishop.

Oh the innocence of a child. I remember more emotions and feelings that actual memories from that time. I do remember being so sad when Elder Bishop was transferred. My first heartbreak. He would come back for a visit about 5 years later, except he brought this woman with him he called his wife. Heartbroken and devastated, I would have to let him go - LOL!!

That seemed like a whole different lifetime. I often wonder what life looked like from that vantage point. Too young to understand the harshness of things, the cruelty of people. It would still be almost two years before hell started breaking loose, or until I was old enough to remember it for the next 30+ years.

He is still around, living out west. I made contact with his son a few years ago and recently saw where he had joined Facebook. I sent a request, yet I don't really expect a reply. I was just one of hundreds of people he met as a missionary, I would be surprised if he remembered me. We will see!

It would seem that I have done pretty good with letting go of things lately. Not that I consciously was going "ok, going to let this go now" as I am not sure how one would actually do that. I just came to some conclusions on some stuff, accepted other stuff for what it is/was, and decided that some answers are ok to not be found. I guess this is how you let go.

There actually was another photo I wanted to use to today yet it seems to be MIA. I have similar ones, yet they all include my ex in them and the last thing I want to do is immortalize that. The photo was an older one of me and my buddy Pastor Becky. Since the story I am about to share was from that time of the old photo, thought it would be perfect. All is well because we caught up with each other back in September when I was on my birthday weekend "visit as many people as you can" adventure, and there's a photo of us from that!!

So in class last night we did reviewing and one of the things was being non-judgmental. The review homework was to be aware of the thought you have of/toward yourself and try not to be judgmental of those things. Change comes with practice and time. I know this as I pulled it off once. Unfortunately, I didn't have the skill set to maintain it.

Back in spring 2001, I started attending the Disciples of Christ church for a while. I wasn't able to really go to my church and I had no desire to attend my ex's, so some friends told me I should go over to DoC and meet Pastor Becky. They spoke highly of her and said we would really hit it off as friends. They were right. We shared a lot about life, the meaning of it, dealing with it, and more. It was going into the Easter season and we talked a bit about sacrifice and giving things over to the Lord. I told her I had an idea, a test I would try. It would only be known for a long time between me, her, and the heavens. We would see how it turned out.

One aspect of my life that was in full force was the self-hate. As easy as it was to love others, I just never could grasp loving myself. I put on a good show, yet inside it was a deep battle. This was my plan - I would try and turn over my self-hate to Christ during the Lenten season. I would try to be aware of my thoughts and each time I thought something hateful about myself, I would stop and replace it with something good. As small as that might as been (some days it was just complementing myself that I remembered to wear a bra) it had to be replacing a bad with a good. This was my plan. Becky and I would revisit it later to see how it went.

It was a constant, non-stop activity. I didn't realize how nasty I was to myself in thought and word. Yes, because if I said something derogatory about myself, I had to negate it as well. I remember once in a while I would realize I had gone hours without thinking something negative. I would think, "wow, that is kind of awesome." A few hours would grow into several hours, then even days. Somehow I was taking power and making changes. I remember toward the end of the experiment, waking up one morning and feeling good, feeling happy. The first thoughts of the day were not dark and nasty, yet positive and uplifting. With each recognition, I thanked the heavens for the healing. When Becky and I met back up again to talk about it, she noted that she knew change was happening because she could see it in my countenance. We had pulled off a mighty change, and it felt good. I remember just feeling good - about life and about myself.

Becky left a few weeks later for St. Louis. We would stay in touch regularly and often would go back and talk about the many things learned by each of us in that short time. We still talk about it to this day, yet we have many more years of memories to add to the conversation. My small win with the self-hate would slowly start to dissipate and eventually was gone to history. I didn't understand how to hang onto it then, yet I do now. I've been blessed over these past many months to let the hate go, to quiet the destructive thoughts, to see good in myself. Even if I start slipping backwards, I understand that it is just a moment and I have safety ropes and lifelines to grab at every step. I do not have to return to that place of hate and destruction. I can choose to never go there again, and this I have chosen.

So, yes, lots of letting go recently. Lots of letting go along the way that I am just now starting to see. As my friend in Charleston always tells me, "Let go and let God."