Write to calm
Opposite action. Remember this? I brought this up quite a while ago. I think I said that I was going to talk more about it, although am not sure I ever did. Now, by definition, opposite action seems more to be applied to stronger emotions such as anger or fear. It is a great technique that can keep you from punching someone or something. As well, it can help you to overcome avoiding behaviors. I guess if the emotion is not as severe than it would be more distress tolerance. It appears to me that there is a gray area between the two, or a place where maybe they overlap?
I so want to just rant and rave and whine and bitch. Yes, I really do. I want to pick something up and throw it at the wall so hard that it shatters and then delight in the destruction. Oh, worry not, I can't even stand up for 5 minutes today without trying to pass out so I am about as dangerous as a moth at this point. Yes, the "day-after-the-day-after" philosophy has been true to form and I have had (am having) a rough one physically and emotionally. I anticipated it (I have learned to just schedule it into my recovery plans) and I had hoped it would have skipped by this time. Now, where would the fun in that be? Therefore, my goal for this post is NOT to rant, rave, bitch, or whine.....or at least try to keep it to a minimum. Find my blue donkey and not injure anyone or anything in the process. Sounds good to me. In other words, I'm just going to ramble on aimlessly for awhile. Seeing that I've been talking to myself all day long in person, might as well continue on paper.
I almost wrote, "it's been a bad day" which doesn't work anymore. Anytime I use the word "bad" in relation to something I immediately have the thought, "and what constitutes a bad ______?" I think I might remove the word from my vocabulary all together. Sure, I could try and define my thoughts of what it would be and that is followed up by, "and is that necessarily bad?" You see, I apparently listen way too well in class and sessions. [and is that bad? I'm going for no.]
I could use a hug right now. Yup, see, told you, random rambling. I'm bummed. Tonight was going to be my "sprinkles on the cupcake" activity for my doing something for me week. Twila Paris and Steve Green are performing tonight at the Virginia Theater. I enjoy praise and worship music and Twila Paris is one of the top artists for over 30 years. I got to see her back before I went on my mission and have looked forward to the chance to see her again. I knew I was taking a shot in the dark, yet I hoped I would be feeling good enough to go. Feeling as good as I did yesterday, I got my hopes up - mistake.
I pretty much knew once I woke up today that it was a no-go. I got dressed and drove to the post office and the store. That would be my test...if I could get out and about and drive ok, then maybe I might be able to go after all. Ok, remember my statement that I keep trying to pass out today? Can anyone else see the disaster just waiting to happen here? Fear not, I made it home in one piece although I do not fully remember the drive home. Actually, all I remember is sitting in the store parking lot wondering how rude it would be to call someone to come drive me home when I probably should not have gone out in the first place. We're good. I made it home, food apparently made it into the fridge, and I at least took my shoes off before I fell asleep for a few hours. Result? Um, won't be driving to Champaign tonight. Who knows, maybe the "for me" in this is not being stupid and trying to go and instead resting and getting better. Still bummed though.
I think I did pretty good on the whole doing something for me. I know, at the end of the day it is only my opinion of it that counts, yet I'm normally so anti-me that I think it has even shocked those who have known that I have managed to pull it off. The nice factor in all of this has been that it was "an experiment" thus being my rationale for not making myself feel guilty and a bit of my encouragement to go and do. I keep thinking, "Well, that was fun, back to reality now. Hope you enjoyed yourself" while there is this part of me going, "do you have to quit now?" I have found myself in that area of unknown.
I've learned some amazing things. First, I can actually do things for myself and I won't be struck down by lightening. Ok, maybe that is a little extreme, yet you get the idea. I am thinking that although I most often feel like my time always has to be for others, it is ok to take a little of it for myself. Possibly it is healthy to do this? Is it ok to want to continue doing things for me too or is that starting down that path of selfishness? See, it just gets me all confused. I think a large part of the confusion is fighting deep set thoughts and feelings that maybe were not the healthiest way to look at life. It's trying to get past the myths, "If I do something for myself, I am being selfish" and "My extra time should be for helping others, not for myself." That selfish thing is going to haunt me for the rest of my life I am afraid. It doesn't help that as Christians we are taught, do unto others, serve one another, sacrifice, good Samaritan, etc. So where is the balance at? When you have been raised "them, them, them" how do you get past the guilt of "me" when you choose it? Do you start bargaining? I will do three good for others if I can do one good for me? See, confusing.
In my effort to not die, I missed Throwback Thursday this week. It seemed like a good trade-off. Just think of all the future ones I would miss had I turned my toes up at the dinner table? (ha! that's always been one of my favorites!) Wonder what I can dig up......how about this:
Me and Big T. I believe this was 2009. Big Teresa has been a part of my life for over 30 years and is, as far as I am concerned, my big sister. Yup, when you look up redneck in the dictionary, you will find her photo there. It's also located under "badass" and "people you don't ever want to piss off." I met Big T the first time in the early 80's when I was about 11 (Lora wasn't born yet). My mom and stepdad were the coordinators for the rescue service and Big T (being about 16) showed up at our door one day to get more info on joining. I thought she was going to kill me. It was the scariest person I had ever met in my life. She had a presence of "I'm just going to kick your ass right here, right now, for no reason at all." As scared as I was, I was also deeply intrigued to get to know this person.
I got my chance because not only did she join the rescue service, she became our babysitter. Well, ok, I always say that we didn't need a "babysitter" we just needed someone to make sure we wouldn't burn down the house or something like that. I think God just knew I needed someone special in my life and he even sent reinforcements - Big T's best friend Jackie. So, there I was, two big sisters that made me feel like I was top dog. Oh, I made their lives interesting. I would tie their shoes together, hide their keys, annoy the crap out of them, and they kept coming back for more. Oh, worry not, they got even. Jackie would smile and say, "paybacks are hell" and they generally were. They were always there for me though. Jackie got me interested in basketball - she was one of the top players in the county at the time and went on to play college ball. Big T took me to get my first pair of ball shoes and was at all my games.
Both gals had some home life issues and therefore spent a lot of nights at our place. I kind of thought they had moved in after a while. That was fine with me. When Lora was born, Big T actually did for a couple months. There is not enough space in this blog to write of all our adventures. Jackie moved away a lot through the years and Big T stayed around here. All three of us are still close. I was actually joking with them earlier that they needed to come babysit me today. Even promised I would be good!
I looked hard for acceptance love through the years, it has been comforting to know that, when I would allow myself to seek them out, my big sisters were (and still are) always there.
And so it is. I think it is time to go crash again for a bit. May I feel better tomorrow. I'm emotionally better - see, writing really does help with that. Would still take the hug though!
I so want to just rant and rave and whine and bitch. Yes, I really do. I want to pick something up and throw it at the wall so hard that it shatters and then delight in the destruction. Oh, worry not, I can't even stand up for 5 minutes today without trying to pass out so I am about as dangerous as a moth at this point. Yes, the "day-after-the-day-after" philosophy has been true to form and I have had (am having) a rough one physically and emotionally. I anticipated it (I have learned to just schedule it into my recovery plans) and I had hoped it would have skipped by this time. Now, where would the fun in that be? Therefore, my goal for this post is NOT to rant, rave, bitch, or whine.....or at least try to keep it to a minimum. Find my blue donkey and not injure anyone or anything in the process. Sounds good to me. In other words, I'm just going to ramble on aimlessly for awhile. Seeing that I've been talking to myself all day long in person, might as well continue on paper.
I almost wrote, "it's been a bad day" which doesn't work anymore. Anytime I use the word "bad" in relation to something I immediately have the thought, "and what constitutes a bad ______?" I think I might remove the word from my vocabulary all together. Sure, I could try and define my thoughts of what it would be and that is followed up by, "and is that necessarily bad?" You see, I apparently listen way too well in class and sessions. [and is that bad? I'm going for no.]
I could use a hug right now. Yup, see, told you, random rambling. I'm bummed. Tonight was going to be my "sprinkles on the cupcake" activity for my doing something for me week. Twila Paris and Steve Green are performing tonight at the Virginia Theater. I enjoy praise and worship music and Twila Paris is one of the top artists for over 30 years. I got to see her back before I went on my mission and have looked forward to the chance to see her again. I knew I was taking a shot in the dark, yet I hoped I would be feeling good enough to go. Feeling as good as I did yesterday, I got my hopes up - mistake.
I pretty much knew once I woke up today that it was a no-go. I got dressed and drove to the post office and the store. That would be my test...if I could get out and about and drive ok, then maybe I might be able to go after all. Ok, remember my statement that I keep trying to pass out today? Can anyone else see the disaster just waiting to happen here? Fear not, I made it home in one piece although I do not fully remember the drive home. Actually, all I remember is sitting in the store parking lot wondering how rude it would be to call someone to come drive me home when I probably should not have gone out in the first place. We're good. I made it home, food apparently made it into the fridge, and I at least took my shoes off before I fell asleep for a few hours. Result? Um, won't be driving to Champaign tonight. Who knows, maybe the "for me" in this is not being stupid and trying to go and instead resting and getting better. Still bummed though.
I think I did pretty good on the whole doing something for me. I know, at the end of the day it is only my opinion of it that counts, yet I'm normally so anti-me that I think it has even shocked those who have known that I have managed to pull it off. The nice factor in all of this has been that it was "an experiment" thus being my rationale for not making myself feel guilty and a bit of my encouragement to go and do. I keep thinking, "Well, that was fun, back to reality now. Hope you enjoyed yourself" while there is this part of me going, "do you have to quit now?" I have found myself in that area of unknown.
I've learned some amazing things. First, I can actually do things for myself and I won't be struck down by lightening. Ok, maybe that is a little extreme, yet you get the idea. I am thinking that although I most often feel like my time always has to be for others, it is ok to take a little of it for myself. Possibly it is healthy to do this? Is it ok to want to continue doing things for me too or is that starting down that path of selfishness? See, it just gets me all confused. I think a large part of the confusion is fighting deep set thoughts and feelings that maybe were not the healthiest way to look at life. It's trying to get past the myths, "If I do something for myself, I am being selfish" and "My extra time should be for helping others, not for myself." That selfish thing is going to haunt me for the rest of my life I am afraid. It doesn't help that as Christians we are taught, do unto others, serve one another, sacrifice, good Samaritan, etc. So where is the balance at? When you have been raised "them, them, them" how do you get past the guilt of "me" when you choose it? Do you start bargaining? I will do three good for others if I can do one good for me? See, confusing.
In my effort to not die, I missed Throwback Thursday this week. It seemed like a good trade-off. Just think of all the future ones I would miss had I turned my toes up at the dinner table? (ha! that's always been one of my favorites!) Wonder what I can dig up......how about this:
I got my chance because not only did she join the rescue service, she became our babysitter. Well, ok, I always say that we didn't need a "babysitter" we just needed someone to make sure we wouldn't burn down the house or something like that. I think God just knew I needed someone special in my life and he even sent reinforcements - Big T's best friend Jackie. So, there I was, two big sisters that made me feel like I was top dog. Oh, I made their lives interesting. I would tie their shoes together, hide their keys, annoy the crap out of them, and they kept coming back for more. Oh, worry not, they got even. Jackie would smile and say, "paybacks are hell" and they generally were. They were always there for me though. Jackie got me interested in basketball - she was one of the top players in the county at the time and went on to play college ball. Big T took me to get my first pair of ball shoes and was at all my games.
Both gals had some home life issues and therefore spent a lot of nights at our place. I kind of thought they had moved in after a while. That was fine with me. When Lora was born, Big T actually did for a couple months. There is not enough space in this blog to write of all our adventures. Jackie moved away a lot through the years and Big T stayed around here. All three of us are still close. I was actually joking with them earlier that they needed to come babysit me today. Even promised I would be good!
I looked hard for acceptance love through the years, it has been comforting to know that, when I would allow myself to seek them out, my big sisters were (and still are) always there.
And so it is. I think it is time to go crash again for a bit. May I feel better tomorrow. I'm emotionally better - see, writing really does help with that. Would still take the hug though!