Fighting anger
I'm angry today. Yes, that would be the emotion I woke up with. I am angry at myself today. Seems anger has been a recurring emotion for this past week yet it has not been turned inward until today.
So the default question becomes, what is the function of the anger. I mentally whip out my validate, motivate, and communicate cards and start looking to see what matches and what doesn't.
Communicate is the tricky one with this. Of course I am going to do all I can to hide my anger from others as I don't want to draw attention to myself or that I may have a need. And that is the thing, I do have a need. I am hurting and confused. I am like a little kid who just wants to go crawl up somewhere and feel safe. Well, I am not a kid anymore and there are few to none healthy opportunities to go crawl up somewhere, hide, and feel safe. So whereas the communicate piece is generally communicating to others, today it seems to be a communication to myself that I need to take a deep breath and move away from that desire to run and hide. I am a big girl, I can face things. I have to face things.
Validate. Sure let's go there next. Anger usually is a nice validating key that something is not right, something is off, things are not at peace. It is most times a simple warning sign displaying "judgemental thoughts ahead." I am angry at myself today as I feel I should have all this abuse stuff figured out by now. I should have been able to get to "its not my fault" and then throw my hands in the air, express "well, there it is", and move forward with my life.
It has not been like that. It hurts, it has fired up new emotions, it has had me looking at my life from different angles, it has me confused, sad, and today angry and desiring to punish myself. Yes, there it is, that ever present desire to inflict pain upon myself. I won't though, or at least at this moment I hope I won't. I do not find yelling "get the f*** over it!" and injuring myself as if to brand the statement into my body, a healthy choice....or a good one or a smart one or one that Chris would really want to hear that I did.
That leaves us motivate. Sadly, being angry at myself motivates me to lean much more to the dangerous side of the line than the safe one. One would hope it would motivate me to sit and observe the situation. What is causing me to be so angry with myself even though I logically know it is unwarranted. If there was someone to physically sit with me and work through it, then maybe it becomes a possibility. Who wants to listen to me bitch and moan over my problems and issues? I shouldn't act as if there is nobody as there are a few. The anger becomes a negating key toward asking for help. It feeds the "you don't deserve" line of thought.
Oh yes, there is motivation yet let's not dig too far into what I feel I am being motivated to do......what I really want to do. So maybe I should work towards keeping my motivation to staying healthy in thought and actions today. One moment at a time.
And so it is. I am angry. I am angry at myself. I feel I should be in trouble, I should be wrong, something has to be my fault. I am having trouble comprehending the idea or thought of being a victim. I don't want to be a victim. I was raised that victims were weak and vulnerable. Yah totally understand the myth in that yet it is a deep seeded lesson.
I am struggling with the thought that someone willingly would hurt someone else....as especially that person being me. I may not be the greatest person now yet I was a good kid then. It doesn't make sense and I keep trying to make it understandable. I had good qualities and that seems to have been my downfall. So, had I been a real ass, would this never have happened?
I don't understand why no one stepped in, why no one pulled me from the fire. I keep falling back to a thought that it was because I wasn't worth saving. Maybe the good kid was not as good as it seemed. I don't know. It is very confusing and I am angry at life, at them, at myself and I don't know what to do with that.
I know it is ok to feel angry. It is not ok to act on it toward myself in a destructive manner yet I am fighting what to do with it. It is like there is no justification. They have gotten off the hook and I am the one who has had to live with it, is living with it, and always will live with it....apparently because I was a good person.
Just keep breathing Blewy. It is a process, a process that is unfamiliar and scary. It is a process I do not understand fully and that scares me a lot as well. What I have to work on changing is that I don't have to equate fear to anger toward myself.
Stay safe today Blewy, please. I know you are just as afraid as you are angry. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. I know you want to and I know you are fighting asking for it with all you have. You won't be judged. No one will yell at you. No one is going to berate you. No one will tell you what you are feeling is wrong.
It will be ok buddy. Just hang in there a little longer, it will get better.
So the default question becomes, what is the function of the anger. I mentally whip out my validate, motivate, and communicate cards and start looking to see what matches and what doesn't.
Communicate is the tricky one with this. Of course I am going to do all I can to hide my anger from others as I don't want to draw attention to myself or that I may have a need. And that is the thing, I do have a need. I am hurting and confused. I am like a little kid who just wants to go crawl up somewhere and feel safe. Well, I am not a kid anymore and there are few to none healthy opportunities to go crawl up somewhere, hide, and feel safe. So whereas the communicate piece is generally communicating to others, today it seems to be a communication to myself that I need to take a deep breath and move away from that desire to run and hide. I am a big girl, I can face things. I have to face things.
Validate. Sure let's go there next. Anger usually is a nice validating key that something is not right, something is off, things are not at peace. It is most times a simple warning sign displaying "judgemental thoughts ahead." I am angry at myself today as I feel I should have all this abuse stuff figured out by now. I should have been able to get to "its not my fault" and then throw my hands in the air, express "well, there it is", and move forward with my life.
It has not been like that. It hurts, it has fired up new emotions, it has had me looking at my life from different angles, it has me confused, sad, and today angry and desiring to punish myself. Yes, there it is, that ever present desire to inflict pain upon myself. I won't though, or at least at this moment I hope I won't. I do not find yelling "get the f*** over it!" and injuring myself as if to brand the statement into my body, a healthy choice....or a good one or a smart one or one that Chris would really want to hear that I did.
That leaves us motivate. Sadly, being angry at myself motivates me to lean much more to the dangerous side of the line than the safe one. One would hope it would motivate me to sit and observe the situation. What is causing me to be so angry with myself even though I logically know it is unwarranted. If there was someone to physically sit with me and work through it, then maybe it becomes a possibility. Who wants to listen to me bitch and moan over my problems and issues? I shouldn't act as if there is nobody as there are a few. The anger becomes a negating key toward asking for help. It feeds the "you don't deserve" line of thought.
Oh yes, there is motivation yet let's not dig too far into what I feel I am being motivated to do......what I really want to do. So maybe I should work towards keeping my motivation to staying healthy in thought and actions today. One moment at a time.
And so it is. I am angry. I am angry at myself. I feel I should be in trouble, I should be wrong, something has to be my fault. I am having trouble comprehending the idea or thought of being a victim. I don't want to be a victim. I was raised that victims were weak and vulnerable. Yah totally understand the myth in that yet it is a deep seeded lesson.
I am struggling with the thought that someone willingly would hurt someone else....as especially that person being me. I may not be the greatest person now yet I was a good kid then. It doesn't make sense and I keep trying to make it understandable. I had good qualities and that seems to have been my downfall. So, had I been a real ass, would this never have happened?
I don't understand why no one stepped in, why no one pulled me from the fire. I keep falling back to a thought that it was because I wasn't worth saving. Maybe the good kid was not as good as it seemed. I don't know. It is very confusing and I am angry at life, at them, at myself and I don't know what to do with that.
I know it is ok to feel angry. It is not ok to act on it toward myself in a destructive manner yet I am fighting what to do with it. It is like there is no justification. They have gotten off the hook and I am the one who has had to live with it, is living with it, and always will live with it....apparently because I was a good person.
Just keep breathing Blewy. It is a process, a process that is unfamiliar and scary. It is a process I do not understand fully and that scares me a lot as well. What I have to work on changing is that I don't have to equate fear to anger toward myself.
Stay safe today Blewy, please. I know you are just as afraid as you are angry. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. I know you want to and I know you are fighting asking for it with all you have. You won't be judged. No one will yell at you. No one is going to berate you. No one will tell you what you are feeling is wrong.
It will be ok buddy. Just hang in there a little longer, it will get better.