Self Soothe
I have a goal - stop self-harming. I sure wish I could say it was easy as going "well, just don't do it" or something like that. I am not there yet. I am working on it though. In light of recent events (and some of the realizations that have come from it) I have to stop, if not, I am going to permanently hurt myself unintentionally as well as loose a lot of things precious to me.
It's nothing new, me trying to stop. I have been trying, it is not a matter of not putting effort into it. At the end of the day, there has to be a reason powerful enough to give you that added strength to abstain from the action.
I have gotten a lot of comments (thoughts and concerns) from others when I have had an incident, yet nothing has really cut me to the core to the point that I finally put my foot down and told myself, no matter what it takes, you can't do this anymore. Until this past week.
In session Tuesday night I shared with Chris what I had done. Of course it took the whole session for me to admit to the extent of all I had done a few days before. Now, we have had discussions about being disappointed, etc. She has told me that although she would not be disappointed by something I chose to do, she may be sad. Seeing that in writing was not so bad. When I walked out of session that night, she simply said, "I'm sad for you" (in reference to what I had chose to do) and I simply and humbly replied, "I am too, I am too."
I got out to the car and no more than left the parking lot when the depth of that hit me. My actions made someone sad and when it is someone I respect and/or care about, then it just cuts really deep. And this was Chris, someone I highly respect. You know, be angry with me, be mad at me, hate me, etc and that is ok. Granted, not out to make that happen, yet I can pretty much handle it. Have something I did cause you some level of sadness, it hits hard. All I thought was, I have to try harder, I have to give this everything I got, because I don't ever want to hear those words from Chris again due to a choice I made. (Yes, I know, the ultimate goal is to not do it because of myself, yet anything to keep me from going there is a start.)
When I hurt myself, there is a tactile aspect of it. The feeling of whatever the implement of harm may be against my skin. The rawness of brick or concrete scraping, the gliding of a blade, the searing of heat. I know, it sounds horrible, yet it is a piece of the behavior. Sometimes I will take a blade and just run it over my skin, not to cut, yet for that tactile response. I have done similar actions with other things.
With this awareness I got to thinking, what can I do to meet the tactile desire and not harm myself. So, from what I was finding from searches on "self soothing" I put together a "tactile box" that hopefully, when I start finding myself in that place, I can pull something out of there that is safe and will satisfy that urge.
I bought me a box and then start looking through the store to see what I could come up with. Here is what I have in my little box:
I packed all the stuff up in the box and actually had enough stuff to make two (as most the stuff came in packs of 2 or more). Maybe Chris would like to borrow the second one to have as an example to show others. It would be cool to show off during the distress tolerance section in class.
I know that the desire to hurt myself will never fully go away. Sure, I hope it does, and I am realistic. Let's face it, I have not touched alcohol since 1992 and I still crave hard liquor. If I have to make my house a DBT playground, then that is what I need to do.
So I guess the question comes up, what happens if I hurt myself. No, I am not going to lie or hide that I had an incident. All I can do is try the best I can moment to moment to not hurt myself. Practice more and use my resources (as scary as that may be). I actually was thinking earlier today, wonder if I could call the crisis line when I am not in crisis, tell them I really needed help the other night and was afraid to call because I didn't know what to expect and would they just tell me what to expect when/if I have to use them. Seeing that I have learned that I can always ask, I was thinking that might be an idea. We are told in class to practice our skills when we are not in distress so that when we are, we are familiar and feel safe using them. Isn't this about the same thing?
Therefore, today's "Mindful Martha Stewart" (ha! still laugh when I read that) is my tactile box. I would like to think that I will use it when my distress is not at defcon 5. If I planned this correctly, it should help it from reaching that level.
Healthy and safe, healthy and safe.
It's nothing new, me trying to stop. I have been trying, it is not a matter of not putting effort into it. At the end of the day, there has to be a reason powerful enough to give you that added strength to abstain from the action.
I have gotten a lot of comments (thoughts and concerns) from others when I have had an incident, yet nothing has really cut me to the core to the point that I finally put my foot down and told myself, no matter what it takes, you can't do this anymore. Until this past week.
In session Tuesday night I shared with Chris what I had done. Of course it took the whole session for me to admit to the extent of all I had done a few days before. Now, we have had discussions about being disappointed, etc. She has told me that although she would not be disappointed by something I chose to do, she may be sad. Seeing that in writing was not so bad. When I walked out of session that night, she simply said, "I'm sad for you" (in reference to what I had chose to do) and I simply and humbly replied, "I am too, I am too."
I got out to the car and no more than left the parking lot when the depth of that hit me. My actions made someone sad and when it is someone I respect and/or care about, then it just cuts really deep. And this was Chris, someone I highly respect. You know, be angry with me, be mad at me, hate me, etc and that is ok. Granted, not out to make that happen, yet I can pretty much handle it. Have something I did cause you some level of sadness, it hits hard. All I thought was, I have to try harder, I have to give this everything I got, because I don't ever want to hear those words from Chris again due to a choice I made. (Yes, I know, the ultimate goal is to not do it because of myself, yet anything to keep me from going there is a start.)
When I hurt myself, there is a tactile aspect of it. The feeling of whatever the implement of harm may be against my skin. The rawness of brick or concrete scraping, the gliding of a blade, the searing of heat. I know, it sounds horrible, yet it is a piece of the behavior. Sometimes I will take a blade and just run it over my skin, not to cut, yet for that tactile response. I have done similar actions with other things.
With this awareness I got to thinking, what can I do to meet the tactile desire and not harm myself. So, from what I was finding from searches on "self soothing" I put together a "tactile box" that hopefully, when I start finding myself in that place, I can pull something out of there that is safe and will satisfy that urge. I bought me a box and then start looking through the store to see what I could come up with. Here is what I have in my little box:
- Notebook and crayons
- Spongy duck
- Kinetic Sand
- Flat glass beads
- Smooth rocks
- Dice
- Rubber Eraser
- Plastic Slinky
- Textured ball
- Soft animal puppet
I packed all the stuff up in the box and actually had enough stuff to make two (as most the stuff came in packs of 2 or more). Maybe Chris would like to borrow the second one to have as an example to show others. It would be cool to show off during the distress tolerance section in class.
I know that the desire to hurt myself will never fully go away. Sure, I hope it does, and I am realistic. Let's face it, I have not touched alcohol since 1992 and I still crave hard liquor. If I have to make my house a DBT playground, then that is what I need to do.
So I guess the question comes up, what happens if I hurt myself. No, I am not going to lie or hide that I had an incident. All I can do is try the best I can moment to moment to not hurt myself. Practice more and use my resources (as scary as that may be). I actually was thinking earlier today, wonder if I could call the crisis line when I am not in crisis, tell them I really needed help the other night and was afraid to call because I didn't know what to expect and would they just tell me what to expect when/if I have to use them. Seeing that I have learned that I can always ask, I was thinking that might be an idea. We are told in class to practice our skills when we are not in distress so that when we are, we are familiar and feel safe using them. Isn't this about the same thing?
Therefore, today's "Mindful Martha Stewart" (ha! still laugh when I read that) is my tactile box. I would like to think that I will use it when my distress is not at defcon 5. If I planned this correctly, it should help it from reaching that level.
Healthy and safe, healthy and safe.