I am more
One of my homework assignments from Tami (and I am sure Chris would reinforce) was to write more. Use my writing to take some of the thoughts and feelings (especially anger) and "talk them out" or however I need to express them on paper so that I don't turn them inward or sit and think about them to the point I skew them from where they should be to being something self-negative.
I got my hair cut today. It is my infamous "Blewyhawk" cut that I have been doing since before the holidays. I love it. Currently, the hair on the sides of my head is so short you can hardly grab it. I believe the hair on my legs is longer than the hair on the side and back of my head.......and I love it.
Now, I have done posts about my fun with my recent haircuts, so that is not where this is going at all. I love my "daring" haircuts and it is one way I have chosen to express myself. I really don't care if people like it or not (although most do) because I do and at the end of the day, it is my own opinion that matters. It is a healthy way I feel I can express myself as well as be a little rebellious too. And, it is just flipping cool! Dude, I have a mowhawk, does it get any more fun that that????
Where is this going??? I have beautiful hair. I have thick, naturally curly, red hair. Except for a short time as a kid, it was always long, really long. It flowed down my back and made people jealous. I knew it was pretty, yet a part of me hated it.
I grew up listening to "your hair is your crowing glory" and "your hair is your beauty" and a multitude of other your hair is the most amazing things about you type comments.
Know what I heard? Thank goodness you have your long, red, hair because you would be less without it. I pretty much accepted at a young age that if I were to be bald, I would be nothing. "Your hair this..." and "your hair that...." and at the end of the day I just wanted to say fuck my hair, what about me?
When I turned 18, I did two things, I got one of my ears pierced again (yes, I have pierced ears) and I went into JC Penny's salon one day and told them to shave off my long hair. After convincing them that, yes, that is really what I wanted, they pulled out the clippers and shaved the back of my head short (keeping the top and sides still a nice length). As they cut it off, I remember thinking, "how's that crowning glory now?" Needless to say, my first visit home afterwards did not rank in the top 10 of pleasant trips home.
I let it grow back and in a few years it was down my back again. I never shaved it up the back again, except once, until after my grandmother passed. I had it shorter, maybe shoulder length, yet there was always hair there. My grandmother loved my hair, yet she didn't make it the center of my worth. Out of respect for her, I kept some length. Let's just say, if she were still alive, she would most likely have a stroke over my hair now. I loved her way too much to do that to her.
Now, I have my self-worth issues that are rooted far more deeply than my hair. Yet, you know what, I am just as beautiful with my Blewyhawk as I was with hair clear down my back. If I were bald I would still be a good person. Yes, I had beautiful hair, yet it was not what defined me - or at least it should not have been made to be. I should never have had the thought "thank goodness for my hair, or no one would love me" and I had that thought, too many years.
It is possible I will let it grow back out (that would be a trial of patience!) or maybe not. It really doesn't matter, it is just hair. It may be a part of who I am, and I may choose to use the style to express my personality, yet I am who I am with or without it. I can't lie though, each time I run my hand up the back of my head or on the sides and feel how short it is, a piece of me smiles and I think "screw you, it's gone and I am still somebody, possibly more than I ever was with it long."
My friends (and most the family) love to see what I do next. They have only one request - don't bring the mullet back. Hey, I rocked the mullet for a lot of years, and I rocked it well!!
Now, I have done posts about my fun with my recent haircuts, so that is not where this is going at all. I love my "daring" haircuts and it is one way I have chosen to express myself. I really don't care if people like it or not (although most do) because I do and at the end of the day, it is my own opinion that matters. It is a healthy way I feel I can express myself as well as be a little rebellious too. And, it is just flipping cool! Dude, I have a mowhawk, does it get any more fun that that????
Where is this going??? I have beautiful hair. I have thick, naturally curly, red hair. Except for a short time as a kid, it was always long, really long. It flowed down my back and made people jealous. I knew it was pretty, yet a part of me hated it.
Know what I heard? Thank goodness you have your long, red, hair because you would be less without it. I pretty much accepted at a young age that if I were to be bald, I would be nothing. "Your hair this..." and "your hair that...." and at the end of the day I just wanted to say fuck my hair, what about me?
When I turned 18, I did two things, I got one of my ears pierced again (yes, I have pierced ears) and I went into JC Penny's salon one day and told them to shave off my long hair. After convincing them that, yes, that is really what I wanted, they pulled out the clippers and shaved the back of my head short (keeping the top and sides still a nice length). As they cut it off, I remember thinking, "how's that crowning glory now?" Needless to say, my first visit home afterwards did not rank in the top 10 of pleasant trips home.
I let it grow back and in a few years it was down my back again. I never shaved it up the back again, except once, until after my grandmother passed. I had it shorter, maybe shoulder length, yet there was always hair there. My grandmother loved my hair, yet she didn't make it the center of my worth. Out of respect for her, I kept some length. Let's just say, if she were still alive, she would most likely have a stroke over my hair now. I loved her way too much to do that to her.
Now, I have my self-worth issues that are rooted far more deeply than my hair. Yet, you know what, I am just as beautiful with my Blewyhawk as I was with hair clear down my back. If I were bald I would still be a good person. Yes, I had beautiful hair, yet it was not what defined me - or at least it should not have been made to be. I should never have had the thought "thank goodness for my hair, or no one would love me" and I had that thought, too many years.
It is possible I will let it grow back out (that would be a trial of patience!) or maybe not. It really doesn't matter, it is just hair. It may be a part of who I am, and I may choose to use the style to express my personality, yet I am who I am with or without it. I can't lie though, each time I run my hand up the back of my head or on the sides and feel how short it is, a piece of me smiles and I think "screw you, it's gone and I am still somebody, possibly more than I ever was with it long."
My friends (and most the family) love to see what I do next. They have only one request - don't bring the mullet back. Hey, I rocked the mullet for a lot of years, and I rocked it well!!