For a moment, I breathe

-
At this moment, I am ok. I was not sure I was going to get here, I actually was afraid that I would find myself taking pins off my shoe by the end of it. I was that scared as I felt it going that direction and picking up speed. The last couple days were only supporting that result.

I couldn't figure out why the muscles in my arms were aching today. I hadn't been lifting anything, let alone something heavy. They have hurt like I did a workout, then I remembered they kind of did get a workout yesterday. Apparently, I tensed up much more than I realized during that anxiety attack. Not really the best suggested way to build muscle.

It has taken the last 4 hours of sitting quietly and doing nothing for things to calm down. I gave up going to the game tonight (which ended up on a two hour delay as I hear) in order to try and get on top of things. I am not even sure if that is a way to say it. I didn't sit here "trying" get better and settle down as I had pretty much accepted that there was no coming down without some "help" and I had pretty much accepted whatever the consequences were.

After a few hours the anger and frustration started to lift. I actually could "feel" it lessening. Yah, that is how heavy it has weighed on me today. I tried to stay on top of it from the time I got up today, especially knowing that I would be at the expo today and that meant a lot of people and a lot of stimulus. I did well, yet it was not without a fight.

Today, somehow, I beat it without destructive behaviors. I had to give up the game, and yet I actually did. In the past, I would have still gone to the game, I would not have put my health first. I would not have cared how it ended. I am not happy about not getting to see JB play at his first high school game, although down the line, it will have been the better choice.

I did well. I may not really understand how, and I did well. I will go to bed tonight safe. Even if I wake up tomorrow back where I was earlier, I know I got through it. I am hoping that I can remember this and that when it starts getting bad again I won't get so negative on myself.

I am impressed with myself. For now though, the relief also comes with exhaustion. My eyes are heavy and I am pretty tired physically and emotionally. This is the good exhaustion, not the "might possibly hurt myself" exhaustion. It is hard to think and get thoughts on paper. I am sure I will read this tomorrow and shake my head on how rough it flows.

Little steps, little little steps.

Popular posts from this blog

Never a failure again

-
October 15, 1991 was a Tuesday. I was a junior at EIU studying Journalism. I remember waking up that morning feeling overwhelmed to a level I had never experienced. My roommate left for class and I sat there looking at the clock calculating what the last possible moment could be before I left for mine. The minutes continued to tick away until finally I put my shoes on, went out to my car, drove home, and walked away from it all. I remember when I got home. I was asked why I was there and, now that I think back to it, my answer of "I'm not going back" may not have been the best statement to make. I was not on scholarship, yet I had enough grants that I was pretty much on a free ride. I was an honor student, smart and innovative. I pulled A's and B's with minimal effort. I loved learning and I loved the college environment. I had my educational planned out through a doctorate degree. It just could not be understood how I could walk away from a free education. It was...
Read more

No more numbers

-
It has been a pretty full afternoon. I finally slowed down about 8 while working on a friend's computer. I knew I had "stopped long enough to breathe" as I was hit with a wave of anxiety. I react to anxiety a lot different now. Instead of letting it overwhelm me and take control, I generally think to myself, "oh, well, look at that" and take a deep breath or two. That is what I did earlier. Just took a few breaths, acknowledged the anxiety, reminded myself that I knew what it was being triggered by, told myself I would address it later, then kept working on the computer. I was able to meet with my old nutritionist this afternoon. I am so glad I followed my desire to hunt her down as it was a great meeting. We caught up on things, talked about my getting healthy journey and surgery. When I was seeing her, I had been looking into surgery and my insurance at the time had so many hoops to jump through that it just became too much. Actually, that is why I started see...
Read more

Checking in

-
Hey Blewy Hey there. You've been sitting here a while, you ok? Yah, just looking around the empty gym and thinking. Will you share with me what is on your mind? Like, what do you know about this gym? Is it a familiar place or just a plain old gym? Oh, it is no ordinary gym, never been. This is the gym from my middle school days. Not sure why, yet when I have tried to imagine the rowdy kids and the loudness, this is where it is. Seems a little ironic as, even though I really did not care for middle school, a lot of great things happened in this gym. I played ball in this gym and 10 years later would return and coach here. Ok, so memories of PE class are not exactly top of the list, yet I will take all the ball ones. Band was up there on the stage, another great moment in time. I played flute then. You know, there was this room up top of the stage, like there was this door that went to some space that was above the locker rooms. We always wondered what was up there and even when I ca...
Read more