What a day

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I am officially in charge of when this day ends....finally. Before I call it over, I figure I should sit and write a bit. There are times where writing helps me keep my sanity and other times when I think it makes me a little more insane, and still I continue to write. I like to write. Even if it doesn't make much sense, I do enjoy doing it.

It's been a day. Since I am continually being reminded to stray from using words like good and bad, that doesn't leave me an easy way to describe today. It is ok, it is not that it was good or bad, it was just a little rough around the edges.

Tess had the idea this morning as she was like "let's not get up yet" and I should have listened and stayed under the covers a little longer. Of course we go through this every morning. The alarm goes off, I say something like it is time to get up, then she plops on top of me in hopes of getting another 10 minutes from the snooze. She almost always wins that one.

Last evening the anxiety started in. It made sense, I had been home for four days and I knew today was "back to the grind" and back out in public and work. It would be having to go "out there" and after several days of hiding out, that was not translating well. I woke up with the anxiety, fought it off and on most of the day, and am still feeling it even after 10 pm. It comes and goes like a wave. I try to stop and breathe and hang on as the tide moves through. I know it is going to go back out, it is just that I am not sure of how long it will take each time.

Session went really good today. I was happy with it. It was nice to be able and report good and positive things and smile and laugh. I feared those days were long gone. Even being anxious, I want to say that I did well. I really am trying. It gets exhausting, and I just keep trying. Still a long way to go and lots of healing to do, and all I can do is keep trying.

I would like to think that I am getting better. You see, I am afraid to just say it, "I am getting better" as I am afraid as soon as I own it to that capacity, something will happen or someone will do their best to invalidate it. I will regret saying it as quickly as I believed it. It is still safe to stay a few steps away from center stage. Besides, I have no desire to stand center stage all by myself. I'm good with being in the chorus, I don't need to be the lead.

I got through the day, and I did it well. Didn't get a whole lot done, yet I got through it. Well, still have to finish my food journal for the day. That won't bring on anxiety, that will bring on disappointment. I have not done well for a few days. Seems I can't get everything moving forward at the same time. Well, I guess I have to look at it this way - it is all interwoven so eventually it all will be shifting together (for the positive I hope!).

For now, though, I am yawning more than not and Tess is already under the covers. I forgot the fun of getting up at 6:30 am. Therefore, I will go join Tess, record my eating sins for the day, and call it a night. Tomorrow will be here soon and hopefully it will be a good one.

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