TGIF?

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I am sure hoping that the despair I feel this morning is just the "icing on the cake" of a rough week and it starts turning around. Joe found my knife out this morning, picks it up and asks why it was out. I told him the truth - I was cutting labels off bottles. He is so funny, he put it back in the bottom drawer and says, "here, let me help you tidy up the kitchen." (I really was just cutting labels off my juice bottles)

I am having one of those "kind of disgusted" with myself days. These are the days I look at my physical appearance and am reminded how not good I have done on losing weight. (How was that for a horrible grammer packed sentence?) I think about my negativity toward myself and get angry. I don't know, I am just in a low spot this morning (and it is getting old). Chris would say "what can you do to not make it worse?" I have some ideas for that....not ones I will be acting on though. I somewhere believed the more days I racked up, the less I would desire to hurt myself.

It has been a rough week and I have made it so far. That has to be good for something, eh?? There are times when it gets so hard. I know, it does for everyone and like I have room to gripe. Suck it up keeps crossing my mind in that familiar, judgemental voice that is not mine. I sometimes think that voice will haunt me the rest of my life. Yup, once again, I know....only if I choose to let it.

Ah heck, I am just being a .....oh wait, I try not to use that kind of language here. Well, put your own word in there. I just have to take a deep breath and look at things in a more positive way. Yup, change the behavior and maybe the thoughts will follow. It is going to be ok, I can make it be ok, I have that power, I can do it.

There are good things on the agenda starting tonight and through the weekend. Can't really screw up my eating anymore than I have already this week so I should not obsess over that. Just have to get through next 9 hours. I will allow myself to run and hide and color before I go deal with the public, yet I need to stop doing that. Yes, keeps me safe, no not bothering anyone, yet we all know me and fully allowing myself to take advantage of something that not only works yet is enjoyable.

I am just angry, mad, disgusted, (feel free to add your own strong emotions here). I am not sure where I should be pointing it, and yet the emotions are there good and plenty. I default to what I know, I turn it toward myself. If I can't figure out where it should go, then it is most likely mine.

I can do this, I am Blewy, I can do this.

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