Just a test, that's all

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Wow. This has not been one of my top 10 best of mental health days for recently. Even though I am out and about at the moment I would much rather be curled up in a ball hiding out from the world.

I know I make references like that often... curl up in a ball, sit in a corner, hide. It us not something made up, it is how I used to react. Corners were my favorite. It was like the tighter you could compress into it, the safer it felt. If I could not have human comfort, I could have the protection of a wall on each side of me.

Been hiding in corners since I was a teen. Sometimes I would go into the bathroom, shut the door and just sit in the corner. No one had a clue of my fear or insecurity. In Charleston I often would be on the floor in the corner in my kitchen. That was a safe place. I would be in the corner and Ali would curl up close. Nothing could get me as long as I was still and quiet.

There were times when I would sleep curled up in the corner in my bed. I almost always keep my bed against the wall on one side for that reason. I like to wedge myself against the wall. Something about it makes me feel safe.

Often I cross my arms across my chest and just slide down a wall, curled up as small as I could be, sitting as still as possible.

Although you can still find me curled up against a wall, I do try to stay out of the corners. I still fear that I won't come out of them. It doesn't mean that if things got bad you wouldn't find me there.

I wish it was not so much of a fight for me today. It is discouraging. It stirs up the negative thoughts and the disappointing mindsets. It makes me apprehensive to work toward a really strong day in fear of the rough one. I do not like feeling this way, I really do not. I have no joy in being afraid of life itself. I don't like being so unsure that I feel the only way to stay safe is to sleep. I do not like feeling paranoid and jumping at every sound.

I wish I could hold my head in my hands and scream at the top of my lungs. Release all the fear and emotional pain that sits upon me like a weight. This is one of the points where I normally start moving upwards on the "intent to hurt self" scale, as I am already high up on the "desire" scale. It used to happen automatically. Not now, there is a nice little barricade of gold pins in between the two scales.

It is like a chain link fence protecting me from getting to that intent scale. I can stand and look at it, desire it, remember when I used to get to it, and know that I can avoid it now. If it takes a fence to keep me from it, then let that fence stand. Someday (I hope) I will be able to stay away from it without barriers.

Not going to lie, am scared today. Am sad today. I hurt emotionally today. I am struggling today. I am frustrated because I have been doing so good and I am struggling not to look at this as a failure or a punishment for being happy. I know, myths. And as I know so well, myth or not, the feelings are real.

I will continue to be and stay safe. I will not let myself fail at that level. I will get through this without emptying a pill bottle even though that is overwhelmingly tempting. I will not physically hurt myself in a desire to replace the emotional pain. I will do what it takes. I will breathe and I will remember that it will get better. This is just a moment and it will pass soon. It won't stay scary forever, it just feels like it.

It is just a test. A test to see if I can choose the right and get through it healthy. I hate tests.

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