POTD & Thoughts Jan 9

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I feel like my poor globe - like I have been dropped and I am in pieces. This week has taken a toll on my physically and emotionally. Although I am "better" physically, I am still fighting some pretty dark thoughts emotionally. It finally came to a point that I just shut up about them, quit sharing that they were bothering me again, that their screams and taunts we becoming unbearable. I tell myself that at the end of the day, the only one who can make them stop (or I entertain myself with the thought) is me. Quit my bitching, suck it up, and figure out how to get over it or live with it. Any which way the decision goes, stop bothering people with it all. I really need to remove the phrase "help me" from my vocab as I find myself feeling more and more guilty each time I say or use it.

See my pieces? See the ones on the left? Not sure how to fix those. Glue? Tape? Not a clue. Will need to come up with something or the southern tip of South America is going to be hurting.

That is where I am at - among my scattered pieces, there are some that are damaged and I just cannot figure out how to put them back together again. Leave it to me to have issues that are so intertwined that I don't even know which therapy family member to talk to about them.

They have been extra good to me this past week, extra patient, extra compassionate. It is deeply appreciated as I know I have been pretty much a pain in the ass to deal with. I don't understand why they don't kick me out sometimes.

I had plenty of time by myself in the ER on Tuesday and Thursday. Alone, scared, and anxious I looked around and told myself how this is what I deserved. This was my punishment - to go through this alone. The few times I reached out and asked someone if they could come sit with me, I felt horrible asking. "Looking for ways to get out of you punishment again" went though my mind. I would try to rationalize with myself - that I would take extra punishment later. Yah, never seems to work. As appreciative I feel toward those who have helped me and were there with me, there is an equal amount of guilt. Now the voices just add how I better watch it, I am asking too much of too many. I am pushing the boundaries. "Shut up, go away, and leave people alone for once" is the repeating phrase. It messes with me, messes with me really bad.

There is a tug of war in my head and I am doing my best to help the healthy side stay ahead.

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