Got water?
My main task for today - wait for the water company to call so I can go over to Lora's while they turn it on. Glad I can help sis out. They will be here tomorrow, I need to keep trying to find help to unload the truck. Sometimes Facebook can be a helpful too. Yes, once again this will be me asking for help. What is up with that lately? I seem to be practicing my "ask skills" quite a bit lately. It hasn't been for having anything else to do, I have really needed the help or they were legitimate requests. Still not a big fan of it, although I do seem to be getting better at it. Now, if my "accepting" skills can get a little stronger, I might be a little ahead of the game.
Have been thinking a lot lately. I know, like that is anything new. The thing is that, yes, I am always thinking except most times it is random things with no real direction, kind of like white noise in the background. Once in a while though, I really do try to focus on something more specific. There are times that works in my favor and there are times when it frustrates me.
We finally made it through the narrative - at least all the "things that happened" parts of it. I find myself shaking my head. Since I wrote it and we started going through it, I have been so ready to quickly get through it, throw it aside, and never speak of it again. Then, one day in session, I learn that it is not a one-time read, we would go through it again at some point. I think I may have stopped breathing for a moment when that came out. I really had put myself in this mindset of "all you have to do is listen once and it will be gone, it will be over" and then I found myself become more per-occupied with the idea of having to hear it again that for a few there I couldn't work through the moment.
I don't care to relive any part of it again. I don't care to leave session and have the events playing like a movie in my mind the remainder of the day. I have absolutely no desire to put up with my body reacting at unexpected times like I am being abused. I am pretty much over the unannounced flashbacks. I don't want to feel the feelings, pain, or any part of it ever again. Listening to it sucks. It has sucked. It has been hard. It has hurt to look at it - from whatever direction. It has made me mad and angry - at others, at myself, at life (even if I can't point that anger where it needs to go yet, I can at least acknowledge that it isn't mine). It has messed with my head that I can't make sense of things that I thought I had figured out. It has confused my own self-perception. It has made me feel lost and confused about life.
The thing is, at some small level, it has started to heal a part of me. What is the word Chris uses....reinterpret. I am not sure if I am at that point with it, although I think I am starting understand the small pieces of it that can be understood and that is changing the way I am looking at it. As I have been thinking a lot about it all these past few days, the thought actually crossed my mind that I couldn't wait to go through it again. Of course that triggers the internal voice that quickly jumps up and goes "what the hell are you thinking!!!" Ok, do I want to sit there and listen to it again, word for word? No, I want to listen to it again with a different mindset, with a different perspective. I want to take the chunks we took and make them smaller. Maybe that is where I struggling with a little of it - the small pieces still feel so overwhelming. I feel that becomes my job - to identify how small the pieces need to be. It is time to revise the narrative. It is time to start rewriting the story. I always have enjoyed the power of the dialectic, what a good place to put it into practice.
So, what has spawned this move on the willful to willing scale? Not sure. I did a lot of thinking as I sat outside the other night. If I couldn't drive, least I could do was try to make some sense of things. It is probably good that no one was out there with me, as I was doing a whole lot of talking to myself. At the moment it did not seem to be putting me in a good place, yet as I have moved a little farther from it and looked back at it, I think it I was more ok than I felt at that time. As usual, in order to get out of darkness, a lot of times you have to step deeper into it. Our dual meeting last week has played a huge part. A bit of assurance that there is a light at the end of the tunnel still. Although I don't know if I will make it there or not, at least I understand it does still exist, it is still an attainable goal to work toward. As well, those comments on Facebook didn't hurt any either.
I feel like I am doing better. Today I am doing better. At this moment I am doing better. There is a little optimism in my thoughts, there is some hope leaning on the positive side that I can be at peace with life. I'm still realistic, I understand that in the snap of fingers, it can all flip. It can get dark fast without warning. I would like to hope that I get a few extra good moments in before that happens again. I keep being told that it happens, that the non-distressing moments get longer in duration and the darkness doesn't last as long. I can't argue, if I really think about it, it is happening. I sit and think, "is the darkness as dark as it used to be?" as well I start to realize that even when the darkness rolls around, it is more gradated - it is not pitch black the whole time. It may still be scary, yet the duration of terror in that window is much less. It is changing. I just have to remember that change comes in very small pieces. Everyone keep reminding me that it is a gradual process, sometimes unnoticed until one day you realize you are dealing with things differently than before. Maybe that is what is happening today, a little of that realization. Seems as crazy as the other night was, a lot came out of it.
What now? I don't know. Each day I come to a better understanding of "moment by moment" with life, thoughts, feelings. I can look around and see all kinds of things that need done here in the house and I can come up with a huge to-do list for computer work. I can let my mind go to projects at work that I can be doing from home as well. It starts to build up quick - so much to do, where do I start, how will I get it all done, what is going to have to wait, what do I do first. It starts the mind spinning like a merry-go-round at the park. Before I know it, it is all jumbled together, I am anxious, and nothing gets started - let alone finished. What I have to remember is, yes, there is a lot to do - there always will be - although the question to myself needs to be "what can I do at this moment?" I can acknowledge that there is a lot to be done, and I do not have to get myself upset about it. What am I able to do at this moment? Then, of that list, move forward.
It's a 4-day weekend for me. There is plenty to do for myself and to help others. I will not get it all done and that is ok, the world won't end because of it. At this moment, I am well. My mind is well, my body is well, my spirit is well. This is a good moment.
Have been thinking a lot lately. I know, like that is anything new. The thing is that, yes, I am always thinking except most times it is random things with no real direction, kind of like white noise in the background. Once in a while though, I really do try to focus on something more specific. There are times that works in my favor and there are times when it frustrates me.
We finally made it through the narrative - at least all the "things that happened" parts of it. I find myself shaking my head. Since I wrote it and we started going through it, I have been so ready to quickly get through it, throw it aside, and never speak of it again. Then, one day in session, I learn that it is not a one-time read, we would go through it again at some point. I think I may have stopped breathing for a moment when that came out. I really had put myself in this mindset of "all you have to do is listen once and it will be gone, it will be over" and then I found myself become more per-occupied with the idea of having to hear it again that for a few there I couldn't work through the moment.
I don't care to relive any part of it again. I don't care to leave session and have the events playing like a movie in my mind the remainder of the day. I have absolutely no desire to put up with my body reacting at unexpected times like I am being abused. I am pretty much over the unannounced flashbacks. I don't want to feel the feelings, pain, or any part of it ever again. Listening to it sucks. It has sucked. It has been hard. It has hurt to look at it - from whatever direction. It has made me mad and angry - at others, at myself, at life (even if I can't point that anger where it needs to go yet, I can at least acknowledge that it isn't mine). It has messed with my head that I can't make sense of things that I thought I had figured out. It has confused my own self-perception. It has made me feel lost and confused about life.
The thing is, at some small level, it has started to heal a part of me. What is the word Chris uses....reinterpret. I am not sure if I am at that point with it, although I think I am starting understand the small pieces of it that can be understood and that is changing the way I am looking at it. As I have been thinking a lot about it all these past few days, the thought actually crossed my mind that I couldn't wait to go through it again. Of course that triggers the internal voice that quickly jumps up and goes "what the hell are you thinking!!!" Ok, do I want to sit there and listen to it again, word for word? No, I want to listen to it again with a different mindset, with a different perspective. I want to take the chunks we took and make them smaller. Maybe that is where I struggling with a little of it - the small pieces still feel so overwhelming. I feel that becomes my job - to identify how small the pieces need to be. It is time to revise the narrative. It is time to start rewriting the story. I always have enjoyed the power of the dialectic, what a good place to put it into practice.
So, what has spawned this move on the willful to willing scale? Not sure. I did a lot of thinking as I sat outside the other night. If I couldn't drive, least I could do was try to make some sense of things. It is probably good that no one was out there with me, as I was doing a whole lot of talking to myself. At the moment it did not seem to be putting me in a good place, yet as I have moved a little farther from it and looked back at it, I think it I was more ok than I felt at that time. As usual, in order to get out of darkness, a lot of times you have to step deeper into it. Our dual meeting last week has played a huge part. A bit of assurance that there is a light at the end of the tunnel still. Although I don't know if I will make it there or not, at least I understand it does still exist, it is still an attainable goal to work toward. As well, those comments on Facebook didn't hurt any either.
I feel like I am doing better. Today I am doing better. At this moment I am doing better. There is a little optimism in my thoughts, there is some hope leaning on the positive side that I can be at peace with life. I'm still realistic, I understand that in the snap of fingers, it can all flip. It can get dark fast without warning. I would like to hope that I get a few extra good moments in before that happens again. I keep being told that it happens, that the non-distressing moments get longer in duration and the darkness doesn't last as long. I can't argue, if I really think about it, it is happening. I sit and think, "is the darkness as dark as it used to be?" as well I start to realize that even when the darkness rolls around, it is more gradated - it is not pitch black the whole time. It may still be scary, yet the duration of terror in that window is much less. It is changing. I just have to remember that change comes in very small pieces. Everyone keep reminding me that it is a gradual process, sometimes unnoticed until one day you realize you are dealing with things differently than before. Maybe that is what is happening today, a little of that realization. Seems as crazy as the other night was, a lot came out of it.
What now? I don't know. Each day I come to a better understanding of "moment by moment" with life, thoughts, feelings. I can look around and see all kinds of things that need done here in the house and I can come up with a huge to-do list for computer work. I can let my mind go to projects at work that I can be doing from home as well. It starts to build up quick - so much to do, where do I start, how will I get it all done, what is going to have to wait, what do I do first. It starts the mind spinning like a merry-go-round at the park. Before I know it, it is all jumbled together, I am anxious, and nothing gets started - let alone finished. What I have to remember is, yes, there is a lot to do - there always will be - although the question to myself needs to be "what can I do at this moment?" I can acknowledge that there is a lot to be done, and I do not have to get myself upset about it. What am I able to do at this moment? Then, of that list, move forward.
It's a 4-day weekend for me. There is plenty to do for myself and to help others. I will not get it all done and that is ok, the world won't end because of it. At this moment, I am well. My mind is well, my body is well, my spirit is well. This is a good moment.