Slowly doing it right
Ok, let's try this again. I started a post earlier today and it started going south really quick so I stopped and moved it aside. Later I went back to it and decided to just delete it.
Today I pulled a stunt and weighed myself. Not really the brightest idea as the numbers showed a weight gain and we all know my feelings on gaining weight. I teetered on what I was going to do. The PT in the gym looked at me and said, "it's just a number" and my thought was "I will fix that number." I tried to put the thoughts off, yet they were just planning away at my unhealthy choices I was about to start into.
By early afternoon, I was getting frustrated with it and so I decided to email Tami. Not to ask for help, yet I know that when I struggle and I drop Chris an email that it usually helps me out. Seeing that I was not even going to admit that I had gotten on the scale, it was my leap of faith. I had this thought that if I just wrote a little of what had happened and what I was thinking, then maybe I would let some of the negative thoughts go. As well, it took the secrecy out of it. I think it was a good decision, it did seem to bring me a little more to the rational side.
I got a reply this evening noting how my choice to email was a good one. I believe the term she used was that it was a "healthy strategy". That made me smile a little, I did something right! I had made a comment in my email that if I had gained weight, then that means I have been eating and there had to be something good with that. She replied that it was good that I was feeding myself and that this was amazing progress. She also told me that the number on a scale doesn't really tell anything and it is not helpful to try and analyze it. She closed by telling me, "Your weight is going to be exactly where is is supposed to be when you are finished with this part of your journey, I promise."
That made me feel a little better about things. I replied back telling her I was going to hold her to that weight comment and that I would do my best to stay off the scales in the meantime. I was able to put aside the negative and move forward, even allowing myself to have dinner.
I still have so much improvement to make on my eating and my thoughts. There are days I feel like I have done really good and other times I feel like a complete failure. I stand back and see more and more how everything is so intermixed with each other - the self esteem issues, the eating issues, the destructive behaviors. It is like there are times when I find it hard to tell which I am dealing with as in reality, it is kind of always dealing with it all.
So, it would appear that I am doing good with the eating stuff and I have only been working on this "full time" since April when I met back up with Jeanette and since June with Tami. Just as I have been told to have patience with the other aspects of healing, I guess I have to remember to have it with the eating issues as well. I have come a long way - I am not binging nor abstaining from food. Although I am sure I could eat more, I am eating enough that I am not leaving myself weak. I am not abusing the water pills to lose weight nor am I eating foods that I know will make me sick. That has to be worth some kind of high-five from God. Heck, I am even doing ok (still a lot of room for improvement with this one) with the staying hydrated.
I was sitting in church Sunday just pondering and thinking. Having woke up struggling, it was a chance to move my mind to some calm and quiet for a moment or two. I got to thinking about how I am always saying things like "what great things I will be able to do" and other "in the future" sayings. As I was going through my "one of these days" list of things I will be and will do, I realized that I do good things now. Even on my hardest days, I still do good things. Granted, not always for myself (or to myself), yet I do good things for others. It was kind of one of those things that I have always known, yet didn't at the same time. Why do I have to wait until I reach a certain point to do good? Maybe when I am healthy, I can do more good, yet that doesn't mean I can't do good (or that I don't do good) now. Without a thought I would put my need aside to help another. Not sure if that is how it is supposed to go, yet I would - I have. I would like to think that I will never lose that trait. I always want to be willing to help others. The struggle is balancing the help I give to others without thought with the same help I struggle to give myself.
And so another night is coming to a close. This will complete 15 days. I accept that I am tracking hour by hour to stay safe. Today could have been a big deterrent on that road and I am going to say that I made a good choice. I just have to keep moving forward.
By early afternoon, I was getting frustrated with it and so I decided to email Tami. Not to ask for help, yet I know that when I struggle and I drop Chris an email that it usually helps me out. Seeing that I was not even going to admit that I had gotten on the scale, it was my leap of faith. I had this thought that if I just wrote a little of what had happened and what I was thinking, then maybe I would let some of the negative thoughts go. As well, it took the secrecy out of it. I think it was a good decision, it did seem to bring me a little more to the rational side.
That made me feel a little better about things. I replied back telling her I was going to hold her to that weight comment and that I would do my best to stay off the scales in the meantime. I was able to put aside the negative and move forward, even allowing myself to have dinner.
I still have so much improvement to make on my eating and my thoughts. There are days I feel like I have done really good and other times I feel like a complete failure. I stand back and see more and more how everything is so intermixed with each other - the self esteem issues, the eating issues, the destructive behaviors. It is like there are times when I find it hard to tell which I am dealing with as in reality, it is kind of always dealing with it all.
So, it would appear that I am doing good with the eating stuff and I have only been working on this "full time" since April when I met back up with Jeanette and since June with Tami. Just as I have been told to have patience with the other aspects of healing, I guess I have to remember to have it with the eating issues as well. I have come a long way - I am not binging nor abstaining from food. Although I am sure I could eat more, I am eating enough that I am not leaving myself weak. I am not abusing the water pills to lose weight nor am I eating foods that I know will make me sick. That has to be worth some kind of high-five from God. Heck, I am even doing ok (still a lot of room for improvement with this one) with the staying hydrated.
I was sitting in church Sunday just pondering and thinking. Having woke up struggling, it was a chance to move my mind to some calm and quiet for a moment or two. I got to thinking about how I am always saying things like "what great things I will be able to do" and other "in the future" sayings. As I was going through my "one of these days" list of things I will be and will do, I realized that I do good things now. Even on my hardest days, I still do good things. Granted, not always for myself (or to myself), yet I do good things for others. It was kind of one of those things that I have always known, yet didn't at the same time. Why do I have to wait until I reach a certain point to do good? Maybe when I am healthy, I can do more good, yet that doesn't mean I can't do good (or that I don't do good) now. Without a thought I would put my need aside to help another. Not sure if that is how it is supposed to go, yet I would - I have. I would like to think that I will never lose that trait. I always want to be willing to help others. The struggle is balancing the help I give to others without thought with the same help I struggle to give myself.
And so another night is coming to a close. This will complete 15 days. I accept that I am tracking hour by hour to stay safe. Today could have been a big deterrent on that road and I am going to say that I made a good choice. I just have to keep moving forward.