Wait it out

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I could be in the ER right now, and I am not. I am sitting, breathing, not driving. I promised, I would not drive if I was not safe to do so. I am keeping my promise. I am tired though. My mind is tired and my body is not far behind. I consider closing my eyes for a bit and I choose not to. I tell myself to take a deep breath and go home and yet something has me spooked.

I am afraid, that kind of little kid fear. It is hard to explain. Again, kind of like if I sit really still the bad won't see me and therefore can't get me. It comes and goes like a wave.

I started remembering little things today from the abuse. Sounds, smells, details I had not thought about yet. It made the reality of it even stronger and kind of messed me up to. I know I have to learn to get through these moments on my own, using my skills, staying in wise mind, etc. Truth is I sure wish I wasn't alone at the moment. I just want to say that next time I will try on my own, yet this time will someone just keep me company. I know better. It is late and I am not really near anyone. And what would I learn in the end?

I don't want to drive home. I don't want to drive. I want to crawl up in a ball and hide. I want to close my eyes and wake up whenever I wake up.  I want someone to tell me I am ok as I am having trouble seeing it myself right now.

I have been here a lot of times. Last time it ended me in the ER. I wasn't in a place to be driving then either and I did and it bit me. I am being smarter this time, I am riding it out. I am waiting for the pain to pass. Maybe that is a sign I am doing better with my choices.

It is not like I have to be home right now. As long as I get there by morning. I really could sleep a couple hours and then give it a shot. I am safe at the moment and I really want 17 days.

Normally I would be all "Go home Blewy" although this time I am telling myself to just wait it out. Be smart, be safe, and wait it out.

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