Deep Breath and Prayer

I am about half way through the book, "The Body is Not an Apology" by Sonja Renee Taylor. I am moved so far by what I have read. The question is - where have I moved to? There is power in the pages and it is very forward that the book, the words written, are not going to make you change. That the book is not this miracle cure for what you have against yourself, you have to make that choice (there is that "choice" word again).  Situations and stories. This could be the subtitle of the book. I see it as just that - here are some situations that have happened and how I chose to deal with them and here is where I am because of those choices. They are like little stories, one after another, affirming and acclimating a climate that is positive, non-judgmental, and empowering.  What is changing? I think what keeps hitting me the most in the book is about "bodies" as a whole. We all have one, each one is different, and that there was a time where we loved our body...

I learned some new terminology today - Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. Doesn't that sound big and scary. Yes, more scariness. Ang gave me several sheets to look at about it. I have not gotten to them yet, and that is a goal for this next two weeks. The "well, hell." moment had to do with talking about my fear of having stuff taken away - confidence, etc. It was pointed out that no one takes that away, I give it up. I have always been like this and I haven't. How's that for dialectics.  When was I good and confident? When I had others behind me "cheering me on" as you might say. I think of how easily I broke when that wasn't there. I sit here at the moment and wonder, what did you ever do "on your own" and it is difficult. It is sad that I have had to share the light from others because of fear of failing and being a disappointment.  "This is about you and no one else." That is what I imagine hearing from the therapy family. This ...

Oh my, just did it. Six paragraphs and I highlighted them all and hit delete. It's how I write, if it's too "something" it usually goes and I start over. Eh, it is what it is.  Been in Denver for the week at an accessibility conference. Been a tough one, my legs have been in a lot of pain, so walking has not really been my most favorite activity, and I have done plenty of it. This next week I will start shots in my knees, once a week for three weeks. If I can continue strengthening the muscles around my knees too, I should be back to some kind of normalcy.  I have been twirling all this information in my mind while here. It is a strange dynamic with time at a conference, you have downtime but not enough to "go and do" yet enough to "sit and think" for a while. It scares me, and when I get scared I want to run the other way.  Acceptance. It is going to be a big part of all this. Acceptance of who I am, what I am, where I am in life. Acceptance of bo...

Hello. Been a few years since we fired up the blogging. Needing a place to journal, keep notes, all that kind of stuff  - yah, and work through thoughts.  Working with Angela on this. She says to start I need something to be creative in. As we know, this blog (or the compilation of the many blogs that make up this one) has been a great place to express myself. Plus, I can write, well, rumor has it I can. Body Trust - walking the middle path. Sound familiar, that walking thing? (My knees say, please no more walking and thus I have to let my body know that this is figuratively.) So here are some notes we made today, then later...homework. Discernment, not judgement Divestment work, moving away from all/nothing, perfectionism, all "isms" Sustainable, internally sourced. My experience being valued and trusted Center on your story and your truth Understanding how you have been socialized (what's the root) AND willingness to at least question it A person of understanding, how y...

I'm in the middle of a spiral at the moment, a binging spiral. Once I got home I ate a banana, followed by peanuts, followed by dinner, which was a lot of food. Then I made a protein shake. It's sitting there, just percolating in my gut like something at Yellowstone Park. I sit down to write in hopes that by doing so will break the evil cycle that is happening. I weighed myself today - 325 now is the number. Before long 350 will be here like nothing. I am failing miserably. I need to get active, get moving. Forget the fact that my body doesn't do that very well and when I do, I pay for it in pain for days following, Yet, have to keep eating food. Have to keep shoveling that stuff down the gullet and watching the body expand. Who will every love the fat one?  I'm angry. I want to yell and scream. We all know I won't do that. I want to yell at myself out loud - look at yourself, look at what you are becoming again. All that work you did, all that effort, all that dedi...

Ok, I'm just going to crack up that the last entry was "day 7" because now it is like day 67 or who knows what. Welcome to the new norm, no seriously because no one can decide if it is safe to be inside hiding or outside around other people yet. Forget social distancing because no one really allows you to try it out in any kind of legitimate scenario. Do you know it's been 10 weeks since we have had church? Is that insane? I am going to say, I am so jealous of St. Matt's right now because they are now able to do communion. Granted, it's a "drive-thru" kind of thing, yet they have it down pretty well. Yah, I'm totally jealous. Can we have drive thru sacrament? Can I be Catholic for a day? I've actually watched so much Mass in the past 10 weeks plus the other St. Matt videos that I might be able to get at least a C on the Catechism test :) Yes, just kidding, don't worry, not jumping ship. I miss my people. I miss Courtney. I miss my therap...

Well, COVID 19 is still out there and we are all still quarantined. Yes, it sounds like a sci-fi movie. Welcome to the new world. Ann is running a low grade fever now and Evelyn is sick. I really thought it might catch me before her, yet she does have kids. The isolation sucks, it messes with my head. I went out yesterday and managed to stay out. Played in the shop and went fishing. That was well. The day before tried for a walk around the block, that didn't go as well. Made about 1/2 a block before the anxiety got me. Safe places good, all other places too scary. It is hard to keep track of things. I need to come up with a project for work, or start on my finals for class. Something that keeps me out of bed and keeps my mind busy. Yes, can clean the house and maybe that should be my goal too. I could count how many muddy paw prints come through the house as it keeps raining outside. Yup, glad I got out yesterday, today sucks. But I do get to "see" Chris at noon and Me...

I really don't know if I will ever get rid of that dark piece in me. I have a feeling that the day that someone comes into my life and truly loves me, that it might change. Problem is, that most likely isn't going to happen in this life, so how do I deal with a demon that keep reminding me on a regular basis that I am not worth the same as others and follows it up with some really good evidence? You see, if they supported it with a bunch of BS, that would be one thing, yet when it is factual crap, that makes it harder. So in my homework from Chris I said, can I just keep telling myself that I am "as worthy as Washo" cause I know she has it made in that worthy department. She said sure, if that works, to go for it. I will say things like I just want to know what it feels like, etc. Truth is that I know these things. So I guess the proper thing to say is either to remember how it feels or the chance to feel that way again. I remember the confidence, and I remember havi...

Ah hell, what are we all doing in this life anyways besides scraping our knuckles while trying to hang on for dear life? Well, now, that could just kind of sum it all up there, couldn't it. You know I realized the other day that I have not been out of inpatient but 4 full months. Seems longer, yet, let's be honest, I guess I am allowed to still feel a bit "struggly" if that is a word. Sure it's a word, Chris and I make up words all the time. I decided night before last that I lacked faith. That was my issue. Not only do I fear success, I lack faith in myself. Heck, I don't know, those sound crazy too. Ok, maybe not the fear of success one. I think that is part of what is happening right now, things are starting to fall into place here and there and that is scary. Other things are still jumping around the gameboard like mexican jumping beans. I will get it. Slowly it will come.

There is a reason I do not act upon my feelings when I get upset, angry, or whatever other feelings fall into that category. Let's see, remember Erika's class key? Sit with your feelings. Eat those suckers! Do not act! Do not try to act! Agree, don't agree, just keep your mouth shut. If you choose to act, just remember, there are consequences. You would think I knew this for the so many times that actions were taken against me and the consequences I ate. Sat in church thinking about things and by the end got the feeling of, "apologize."  Go back, explain what happened, why you reacted, and see what the consequences are now for you actions. Oh, and there will be consequences, in brief consequences with Mel, it looks like I most likely be losing her as my provider. Consequences. If this happens, can I blame Mel? No. With her new position, I am not really a good fit. At Ascend, if our conversations were more therapeutic over nutrition, it seemed to be ok, she eve...

Life after inpatient rehab. Way different than before. Ok, is that a fair statement? In truth, if I really want to think about it, the emotional cyclone really isn't that different, I just am in a much better situation. At least I'm not getting evicted this round! I have so much anger in me. Is it a secondary emotion? Hell, I don't know, and it is there. I do not know how to express anger very appropriate. Seems like I have said all of this before, and here I still am. Ah, the work of personal progress. And happiness? Well, seems I can do that and seems I can destroy that. (And here comes the anger...) Bottom line, I pretty much hate my life as is. The fact of having these mental arguments over just going outside that get so outraged and overloaded that my whole physical self is affected. But wait! This might be self-sabotaging!!! You know you will be really happy if you go outside to work in the shop, so we can't be having that now, can we!! No!! Getting better is ...

I always say, I don't want to die, I just want things to stop and be quiet so I can breathe and catch up, etc. That is what comes with the self harm - I don't want to die, I just need a break. I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally. Not sure why I have to end up in the place again. Not sure what I have done or not done. My days...and sometimes hours...are accompanied by promises and phrases - I'm safe, I won't, I'm good, I will. My actions are so untrustworthy that I spend as much time in therapy as I do at work - and rightfully so. I'm so done with it. I'm tired of living my life this way. I'm tired of having to promise this and report that. I don't want people worrying about me. I'm exhausted, I would guess they are exhausted too. I hate that I am so screwed up that I have to continually report things, that I can't manage to eat correctly, that I can't even take ownership of my life. Never thought I would put suicide back on the...

Nice little hiatus there, eh? Had me a bit of a crash and burn. Ok, so that was obvious. Spent some time in what they call IOP over at Mel's place. Think of it as 3 hour DBT group with a meal. Did that for about 8 weeks, 4-5 days a week. It was pretty intense and it was well worth it. I do have to say that I came out on the other side much better. I hate getting that bad. At least last time, I didn't have to put so much of a front on, and the time before that, well we all know what happened there - a nice week's vacation with a bed, table, and a camera. Last round was the summer before I started DBT for the first time. I am not sure between the two which was worse, I guess there really is not a comparison game, per se. The last time was the first time I picked up a knife and cut myself. I still remember that day so vividly, yet I remember it as an outsider watching it. The whole hospital drama scenario, that is remembered third person as well. Most likely because I don...

This is how it was supposed to work: I would wake up, there would be some guilt and shame and yet I would feel like I could breathe, like the walls were not caving in, like I could stretch my arms and legs out and feel space. This, is the equation. No, so many times today I held my head in my hands thinking, I can't keep doing this. I wanted to come home as quick as I could and got stuck at work most of the day. When things were quiet and steady, I was not calm, I wanted to keep cutting where I left off. I checked in across the board, came home, slept. Woke up, still not that answer I was hoping for. Had stopped in Oakwood for Band-Aids. Abby was working, she just hugged me as I stood there in the isle. Showed her my leg and she found me the right box. I couldn't even think straight enough to figure out the right band-aid that I was going to need. I just laid my head on her shoulder. She reminded me that there is a darkness in the air yet we can't let it destroy us. Call...

Two stitches. That's all tonight. That's all this time. In my leg. Maybe this is the new place? The arm is filled? Who knows. What I have known is that this has been coming. It's been coming for a few weeks now. I've seen it, felt it, heard it, and whatever else you can fit in there. I knew it was just a matter of time. I'm sure it solidified its place when I stepped on those scales and saw that number. I stuck a knife in my leg. There is a new one. Sliced my leg open with a razor blade and then used the knife to cut over an inch through. There is something not right about that. There is something not right about all of this.  It's quite an internal struggle. As I shamefully keep it all to myself (except those in the therapy family that know), I hold this image in my mind of standing atop a ledge where I can be heard by all as I scream at the top of my lungs, "see people, I really am hurting!" and for a brief moment or two, everything stops. I ...

So we went through this with the voices. Everything is a voice - Eating Disorder, Guilt, Shame, Self-Harm, Doubt, Worthlessness, Etc. Could only one speak at a time? Did they all speak all at the same time all at the same intensity? Did they all speak all at the same time, yet only one could speak at full intensity? Then in session the other day I brought this to Chris. It had come from my session with Tami. The discussion talked about how the ED would use whatever it could to beat me up, make me feel horrible, guilty, etc. I had asked in that session, so is it possible that instead of all of the separate demons, there could just be one? All these years, it could just be one, the Eating Disorder? Always viewed the ED as one of many other voices/demons. All with equal power. Could it be that it is all just 1 demon, the ED? That it has all control and has been the full demon all along. Or, Is the demon still the ED, and yet when needed, he calls upon the other voice...

Been a lot on my mind since session with Tami today. Not anything to be worried about me about, yet I just don't know who to talk to. Thankfully I can come home and write. Well, Tami and I did talk about last week. Ok, so, my bad. It would seem that she didn't yell at me. Of course I had to ask several times, "are you sure you didn't yell at me?" and then we went through what was said and how things were said and how I heard things and apparently how things were actually said. She said she never rose her voice. I told her I heard her yelling at me. Of course this led back into the talk of I can decide that I am not ready to do this and it is ok. So I think we got things back on track there. I told her in the exchange that I was afraid to talk because I was afraid of her reaction. She said that was not good because she wanted her office to be a safe place and that if I was afraid when I was in there, then that was not going to allow for healing. She explained tha...

Chris would love it, I have created a spiral...a mini spiral, and I have created one. Might as well call it that, as this seems to be something that always comes back around. Therefore, let us call it a spiral. Wherever she is at the moment she is probably feeling some little warm fuzzy. I applied back in late fall and received a handicap placard for the car. And, let me say, that might be the only instance where "handicap" is still used. Anyways, as I was having so much difficulty walking and sometimes that was extreme, it was a good thing to do. Now, there is the practicality of it - with my physical health, it was very much a good thing to do, especially with winter on its way. And then, there is the emotional tie of it - walking out to my car each time and seeing it hanging in the window. Now this is totally one of those "applies to me only" things. Dude, you know what (sidebar rant here), I really thought I was over having to go through the prelim explanati...

I have several pictures that I have drawn over time. They are in my collection. Guess that might be why I haven't drawn the one that has been in my head the past few days.  There is the one where it feels like there is so much pressure in my body that the emotions are bursting out of my chest.  There is the one where I am in the middle, surrounded by locked rooms. There are several where I am being engulfed by darkness of some kind. There is the one where I am small and a large entity is overshadowing me. Why draw another? Damn anxiety. Haunts me. I guess it always will. We move into the whole learning to control it cause it isn't going anywhere thoughts and all that stuff. Still sucks.   Gilly has anxiety. When she gets anxious, she starts scratching or biting, like a bad itch. Not sure she realizes she is doing it cause when you say here name she will jump like "oh was in another world there", kind of like I do with scratching my hands.  S...

I sent Tami an email asking if Eating Disorders were an addiction or a disease. There is a legit point, I have never gotten a direct answer as to exactly what it is, and we all know me, I seem to do a little better if I can understand what it is I am dealing with, and I just don't seem to understand this. I did get a reply, it is both. My point with this actually started a few days ago. It's something I have thought about off and on over the years, and so as Chris would say, it has came around again on the spiral. Ok, sidebar, I am going to admit it - because I am a big girl - the email had a hidden passive aggressive agenda behind it too. After last Thursday, I wondered if 1. would she answer me, and 2. would she tell me this was the ED talking. You see I have some "fears" now after that last session. I will put that in "" because that may or may not be the right word to use, and it is what I am going with. I guess I am afraid of sharing anything in reg...